WINDOW MEMORIAL

Till Death Do Us Part - an end of life predicament

in a remembrance of that which should have been done differently

Situation on the Ground

Life is difficult - now this? A recent trip to the doctor after tests where he tells you have cancer and it’s terminal. How long? Months, maybe a year. You’ve been tired for a long time, realizing something wasn’t right, thus the tests. Approaching 70 and it’s been a good run. Thinking, maybe it’s time to check out soon. Curing it doesn’t even enter the mind in a numbing sense of aloneness never felt before.

Returning 3 days later for the obligatory ‘follow up’.

Of course your doctor has a ‘plan’ - you know, this agenda that doctors have … earnestly suggesting that with the right ’treatment’ there’s a chance that your life can be saved. Yay! With a couple of rounds of chemo and maybe some radiation, the cancer (now stage 4) might, just might go into remission. He is 'highly recommending' it quietly knowing there's a very slim chance of success but the script was already prepared (arrangements made) so. Worst case scenario is that you’ll get another 4-6 months of additional torture, I mean LIFE; the treatment slowing down the spread. Wow! Sounds great; I mean … that’s good news right?

A reason to feel just that little bit better. Smile.

All we ever wanted was to be relevant. Wanting our lives to mean something - sharing it with someone who loves us - having children … good job, nice home/car - a comfortable life. Ok scoring pretty good on most counts and getting that it would be nice to go out quietly; with dignity without pain. I mean, if death is inevitable and I’m old, it only makes sense that it should be as easy as possible right?

Wrong.

Loved ones are torn. “You’ve got to FIGHT this” is the common response. Like fighting it is going to fix it. All very entertaining and all very predictable. The world has a plan - that you’ll live regardless of what happens (and you really don’t have a say). The stress, the expectations and all the knee-jerk reactions just make it way worse. Suddenly this is not about my life but more about everyone else's.

The Rear View

The end of life is a mishmash of religious dogma suggesting that our lives ultimately belong to some higher power, medical chivalry with endless codes and procedures; strict rules & prescriptions on how our prognosis should be dealt with. What is probably the most disturbing, is the ongoing desperation that we humans ruthlessly maintain - to squeeze just one more day out of life regardless of how difficult it is. You OWE yourself that! What? Really?? It’s a universal narrative made up by those in charge; most of whom have never really had any experience with death themselves but since they know better, we just need to comply. Doctors, lawyers, clergymen/priests and esp. family really need you to stretch this out as long as humanly possible (even if it kills you). Why? Because that’s what we do!

Ok, when do I start the chemo? Well, scheduling delays and a backlog. We’ll ’try’ to get you started the first round in 3 weeks. Right. I have stage 4 cancer with months to live and they’re going to start my chemo in 3 weeks? That should be the first hint that this is all a very bad idea BUT it’s the ONLY chance of survival and EVERYBODY is insisting I try so … ok. ‘If you say so’.

For Thine is the Kingdom

Ten weeks later, results of the first round of chemotherapy come in and it’s not good news. Hair has fallen out and this stupid oxygen tube in my face 24/7. Too weak to even think about going out and lugging the tank around behind me. Can’t eat, sleep or shower/bath, having lost 30 pounds BUT maybe, just maybe we’ll get it on the second round of chemo and some radiation therapy for dessert. You CAN do this!

Developments in Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) have come a long way in the last 10 years. Imagine drinking 2 small cups of liquid, laying back and falling asleep, deeper & deeper & deeper until your heart stops 10 minutes later. Jesus. That actually sounds pretty damn favourable right about now. Thinking it’s time to investigate that. Well no. Your Doctor telling you that a formal application can’t be submitted until all treatments are over and with chemo round 2 starting tomorrow, a MAID app is NOT an option for at least 10 more weeks now. Then there’s a 4 week exploratory period followed by a 6-8 week waiting period.

The incremental agony - all there to support a system that has no idea what's really going on and all because 'hanging on for dear life' is how we roll. How it's always been done. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever ... amen.

Epilogue

It should be noted that many cancers are caught early enough that modern medical treatments work, eradicating the metastasis and even bringing about full remission, leaving those originally diagnosed free to live long, productive lives after. That said, being diagnosed w/stage 4 cancer at 70 is a time to think independently, knowing it’s only going to prolong the pain and suffering by seeking treatment for something that is too late to treat. Saying no thank you is always an option. An easier earlier departure is often best (even though it is never suggested or recommended).

Despite the clamouring for control, the kicking, screaming, clutching and resistance from all those who think they know what’s best for you, everyone facing elimination should have the right (and support) to shut it all down in minutes (no waiting, delays or excuses). Like shutting a light switch off.

Over and out.

for Pansy Edith Batho (Pat Miller)

April 16, 1932 - July 29, 2004