SENIOR MOMENT - turning 65, a short synopsis

birthdays

I am 65 - officially a senior

slower, wiser - more forgetful

(ok I'm crispy creamed)

it was always a flash in my mind  

what will it be like?  how will I look?  

thinking of my parents and my grandparents right now 

as I approach them physically and cognitively

at 9 thinking fuck

I hope I never become that!

 

welcome to the moment

 

Ker-thunk

I’ve realized some things as of late, that I couldn’t really see clearly over the course of my life growing up, becoming a ‘mature’ adult; often struggling to grasp basics like managing relationships/family, juggling career & finances (so busy all the time) … the goal of stability and recognition.   Blind as a bat.

What I never saw until now was the loneliness they endured day after day.  On islands - isolated and impaired but still very aware.  I was struggling too and she understood that.  A primal maternal instinct in disarray.  My needs more important than hers.  I miss granny.

Most seniors experience a very real neglect from those younger; left alone for longer & longer periods of time with no contact.  Quiet reflection lasting weeks, months … sometimes years (for many) with perhaps a fleeting hello/check in.  A tough spot.  Expressing loneliness often creates a reaction and a further distancing.  I mean, who wants to be around someone who is needy right?   So keeping quiet and taking what you can get becomes a new norm.   I count my blessings every day.  I got lucky (convincing tone).

That said, both of my grandmothers, in their late 70’s were actually quite humble; understanding that their children were busy living their lives and didn’t want to be bothered.  It’s an endearing quality that I fully appreciate, especially now.  That said ... do you have to be so far away?

The best you can do is to leave them alone; to live their lives and not interfere.

That's what love is.

Reverence vs. Relevance

As a kid, I remember watching my parents interacting w/theirs with some confusion.  It was like a ‘duty’ thing for them, that they really wish they didn’t have to do.  Often impatient, getting short with them for the smallest of reasons, wanting to get away from them as soon as humanly possible.  Retaining some sense of relevance becoming more and more challenging.  We kids were occasionally shuffled off to the grandparents so Mom & Dad could get a break from us.  All in all, aging parents had their benefits.  

Both of my parents sometimes received money when times were tough, from their mothers who were always there for them but all too infrequently in return.  Of course always a ‘loan’ and of course never paid back.  It was just a given.  Grandfathers were always out of the picture … a recurring theme throughout my life (absent father syndrome). 

 

Pit Stop

In the one year I went to Woodstock Collegiate Institute (1973 - Grade 12 - at 16), I ate my lunch at Grandma Batho's on Edward Street, about 1 km north from the high school where she lived alone in a musty mid-sized 2 story, 3 bedroom Victorian on a quiet, turn of the century street.  It was the highlight of her day, preparing a hot lunch for me Monday to Friday that school year that she gladly paid for, living on her modest nest egg (savings) and a next to nothing government pension.  

Big old trees, crickets in the twilight.  I always slept like a baby there when I was younger and we lived there for a short time as a kid.  Fresh air, quiet ... night sounds.  Old wind up clocks with florescent arms ticking slightly out of sync.  Mom & Dad sleeping in the next room, Granny down the hall.

My arrival signalled a return to family ... like she had in the past - gone, now back.

The look on her face sitting at the kitchen table staring out a window when I walked in the door was priceless.  That smell.  Pork chops & Libby's deep browned beans w/boiled potatoes - my fave.

She was deaf mute and we talked a crude sign language on our hands and she was always so happy to see me.  Very simple, caring woman.  Granny always knew the second I walked in that front door at 12:12 pm because she was waiting for it, almost counting down the seconds.  I thought nothing of it.  It was a convenient mid-day respite w/lunch for me.  A stop-over.  

I just took it for granted, preoccupied w/life as an insecure 16 year old who liked music; quietly dreaming of what it would be like to make a living doing that.  For her, my daily 10 minutes sitting at the table having lunch with her was everything.  Relaxing in the living room listening to the radio before returning.  Mike Oldfield, Tubular Bells on whilst listening to her washing the dishes.  I hated high school.

She rarely ate herself, just watched me eat. 

I often wonder what it must have been like that late June, after finishing my exams and not coming for lunch anymore.  That last day of school, I waved goodbye to her and I walked home to have supper w/Mom, younger brother and self absorbed step-dad just like I did every other school night.  

I can’t imagine what it was like for her, knowing I wouldn’t be coming back - ever.  

I didn't even give it a second thought.

mona batho w/laddie - summer 1947

Neglect

She must have been incredibly sad about that.  I went on to college in London then moved to Toronto.  I saw her maybe 3 or 4 more times (Christmas) after that final lunch there in June 1974 before she died in 1978 when I was after-show partying in Sault Ste. Marie performing in a band that winter.  

I often think about what grandma batho went through.  Especially now ... 

because I'm going through the very same thing she did.

I miss her - miss them.  Recurring dreams.

Just here to document them.

volume up, 720p

.

.

edward street

from the album night parachuting

http://www.jimlamarche.ca/nightparachuting/

see the ONE LIFE album/page here >>>
http://www.jimlamarche.ca/onelife/

see the new TWO LIVES album/page here >>>

http://www.jimlamarche.ca/twolives/

see the new THREE LIVES album/page here >>>

http://www.jimlamarche.ca/threelives/

read more of Jim's blog posts here 

http://jimlamarche.blogspot.com/

.

project credits/contributors/links listed below

listen to the youtube album ONE LIFE  >>>  HERE
(play all)

special thanks to GRADO LABS in Brooklyn NY

for understanding how headphones

should be made

https://gradolabs.com/

jimlamarche.ca

.

.

LTC/TLC - Long Term Careless (the plight of Long Term Care in Ontario) - The Learning Curve '22

TLC - THE LEARNING CURVE '22
LTC - Long Term Careless (the plight of Long Term Care in Ontario - a discussion)

Introduction:

As a senior now, and having worked as an educator/counsellor over the years, I am both disturbed & disappointed by the latest series of fumbles; fallout from the privatization of LTC/Long-term care in Ontario. That said, and with a provincial election right around the corner, there's lots of talk when in reality?  We need a miracle.

 

History:

It was part of Premier Mike Harris’s ‘Common Sense Revolution” in 1999 and his bold new vision to repair and rectify Ontarian’s massive provincial debt while creating an economic model that would sustain the future. Simple stuff, right? Balance the books and everything will fall into line. A no brainer. It neither happened nor will it on this road we’re on a quarter century later.  A noble idea that had no legs or real substance. A quick fix solution to a problem requiring a whole lot more patience, effort & creativity.

Over the remainder of Harris’s term there were cuts to essential services all across the Province, that seriously harmed people (elevating mortality), yet all nicely swept under the carpet (still justified) while the problems just festered over the coming decades, and continues.  Early indicators.  Remember Walkerton?  Water contamination because of new short-cuts in testing, resulting in e-coli poisoning & multiple deaths, right up to the present day, where thousands of the province’s elderly have died in a pandemic because of the rampant neglect by those in charge. 

It’s a system blind to such consequences in the slipshod management of their living environments designed to stay afloat as cheaply as possible. A younger public/mass population is complacent. Out of sight - out of mind. It is what it is.

We just ‘assume’ that our so-called elected officials are taking care of business before catching wind (in the media) that there’s a real problem; just shaking our heads while pouring that third glass of red wine and laying in the back yard lounge thinking of something else. Whatever. Shit happens. New initiatives designed to give the impression that ‘we’re on it’, placating our immediate concern until we’re distracted by something else. This can wait. Later.

Culture of Avoidance: short term gain - long term pain.

You see, by privatizing anything related to education or healthcare, there’s the inevitable ‘short term gain’ angle that those in power think can sustain itself (but almost knowing it can’t). It also creates a lot of good will amongst politician’s crony capitalist friends (campaign donors).  Big smiles & laughs all around (cigars and complimentary ’buck a beer’ at the summer barbeque … an election weeks away). The ‘long term pain’ (blowback) inevitability getting shelved in favour of an immediate handshake; pat on the back (until someone else has to deal with it - years after the fact). An easy sell but let’s not talk about that.

The initial justification is painfully obvious when presented, that all the advantages just make sense. Privatization puts more money in people’s pockets (participants), which is a boon for the economy right? … oh and relieves a huge (debt) burden from the government where massive divisions of labour can be reallocated to the private sector (saving billions, creating employment - real jobs). Privatization means competition which is good right? Just think about this for a minute!

  

Working harder to create a better world where the benefits far out-weigh the sacrifices, namely the cost of big government, bureaucracies & costly oversight.  Privatization means those ‘contributing’ can run their operations free of government interference, thus more efficiently & productively (whilst passing the savings on to the people they serve).  Great idea (in theory). The truth is in the stats. Ontario's debt was at an all time high after Harris left. So much for that idea, and the fallout?  We're still in it. 

So kudos to Mike Harris for his brilliant revelation, only there’s just one monumental problem, conveniently overlooked … greed.

  

Minimal oversight, supervision & management allows those running the show to take advantage of a new system because no one is watching where the PROFIT is going nor how exactly they’re acquiring that profit (irrelevant). Hell, Mike Harris went on to launch Chartwell, the largest privatized LTC franchise in Ontario which just sold for $447M.  Hey Mike!  Good call.  It’s a win-win for everyone right? Well let’s just say that yes, for the 10% at the top of the food chain.  Everyone under the surface?  Think again.

Case in point.  PSW (Personal Support Workers) are front-line staff, hired to do all the ‘dirty work’ in privatized LTC facilities.  You know, clean up the messes, deliver the food/spoon-feed them, change their diapers while being told they need to pretend to care about their jobs (that they’re so lucky to have).  Non union, 12 hour (understaffed) shifts for barely more than minimum wage, flipped around from facility to facility on any given day/week by agencies taking their commission on placements because that’s the system now. 

PSW’s shuffled like a deck of cards and played like a bad hand, not staying at any given LTC facility for any real length of time because it’s not ‘cost effective’ to do it that way. They are cheap, transient sanitary workers at best and just ask one if they like their job.

 

Most are recent immigrants trained for 7 months in a PCC (Private Career College).  In many such schools, set up to cheat by admitting those who can barely speak English (entrance test fudge/no one looking), into a wham bam, in & out program that they magically pass anyway and are jettisoned into a market where the demand is much higher than the supply … APPROVED! What could possibly go wrong here?  Ah privatization. Where everyone can be a winner! ... (even if you don't cut the mustard).

Conclusion:

Now we have a real problem.  It’s not working.  Turns out this whole Common Sense Revolution was a bad idea.  Who knew?  As our provincial election looms, we are yet again promised by all 3 political parties that BIG improvements are forthcoming in LTC. I’m thinking lip service; more ‘bandaids on the brain tumour’. The system is set. The agenda is in motion. The players are in place and the catch basins are open. It sure feels to me like the game is rigged in favour of those holding the strings.

The desperately needed overhaul in LTC is unlikely for all the obvious reasons and yes - we need a miracle.

.

jim lamarche is an education counsellor/blogger in Toronto Ontario

jimlamarche@sympatico.ca

jimlamarche.ca

.

THE FREEDOM FARCE

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts,

while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

Charles Bukowski

Freedom is just a feeble excuse to set fire to the barn.

Fascinating to me ... there are some people you meet

who you feel immediately comfortable around, and others

who are terrifying. What's up with that?

When I was in Grade 7 at Centennial Central School in Comber Ontario (1968), we had a class uprising/revolt. Our new teacher (Mr. Kennedy) was young; just out of teacher’s college and he was weak.

 

We discovered early on that we could control him (if we stuck together) and one rainy early afternoon that late spring, turned the classroom into a party, tying him up to his chair, blindfolding & gagging him and spent the rest of the school day partying, listening to music, dancing and creating chaos/destroying the classroom. It was a blast! It was also the most important lesson I learned in all of grade school AND it wasn't in the curriculum. No. Real world.

The reason for our revolt was a simple one … too many rules & not enough freedom.  

Just a small flaw with our plan. We had the same conditions as the rest of the school did. Yes, rules & restrictions, decided by grown ups who supposedly had more wisdom/maturity than we did.  It was no different than any other public school in Canada, only we had a rare opening … and we used it.  

What I find most interesting (in retrospect), is that the school must have known what was going on (from the noise, loud music in the classroom), but did nothing to stop it. 

Mmmmn ok. Echoes. That familiar - out of sight, out of mind.

Truth is, we were a pack of unruly brats who seized the moment to create mayhem BECAUSE WE COULD!  Collectively, we saw an opportunity where we could get away with confusion, and we took it.  Fundamentally it had nothing to do with ‘freedom’ per sé, because we knew that the rules were universal (not just confined to us).  I mean, it’s not like we were being treated unfairly really; it’s just that we thought it would be cool if we finally stood up for something that was actually ours (not theirs). 

Ok, we were old enough to understand that law & order were basic cornerstones of every civilized community wishing to remain productive, functional & organized and that even our parents & teachers had to obey the law & follow the rules too. Fuck that!  No, this was a one off rebellion shared by 13 year olds wishing to make a point FOR FUN! 

The freedom angle was just an excuse, a reason to push back against authority. Sounds almost legitimate right?  It was a momentary awakening in that if enough of us young teenagers got together (all over the world), we could change everything and that for once, they would be answering to US!  An event beyond what any of us could imagine; bliss in anarchy in overcoming the powers that be which also meant PUNISHMENT to every man, woman & child who opposed us.

  

Payback? You bet!  Being told to wear our boots outside after a winter snowstorm, or - or no Playstation until after the homework is done?  How about no dessert until we finish all our supper?  NO MORE!  I'll wear my running shoes outside after it snows, play video games instead of going to school - hell, I'll eat dessert FOR supper every day if I want!  You can't tell me what to do anymore because you don't matter!

Ah, adolescence. What I would give, to be a kid again ... 

and so ...

Welcome to the freedom farce.

Fast forward 50 years and what I’m seeing recently sure feels a whole lot like that Grade 7 uprising in Comber only it’s everywhere.  In comes a President who acts like an entitled man-child and those following him, look & act just the same, encouraging a hundred million followers to do just that … revolt.  Why?  Freedom!  Only it's not against our teachers, principals, parents or the police ... no, it's the elite progressives (Democrats, Liberal Socialist whiners who think they're better than us). You're NOT better than me!

Righteous entitlement flexes its muscles just like it did in 1968 in Comber Ontario, only it’s a whole lot bigger & meaner.  It really is all the same stuff only it’s every public school across the country.  

Same argument … we won’t live by your rules anymore. In closing, mark my words. There will be more freedom marches, convoys, and protests not that unlike what we just saw in Ottawa.  It was a so-called revolt against vaccine passports (so they say). I say LIE!  It had little or even nothing to do with that. An excuse to tie up the teacher and throw a smash bash is what I'm thinking.  Let's turn our Prime Minister into a clown, make a lot of noise, deface monuments and spray paint graffiti on the sidewalks of our nation's capitol is what this is really about. A fuck you partay!

Epilogue:

We never saw Mr. Kennedy after that day. Either he quit or was let go (I'm thinking the latter).  We had a substitute teacher for the last 2 months of that school year.  That day is indelibly stamped in my psyche to this day, just like it was 53 years ago …  and ‘freedom’ (now, just like it was then), is just a feeble excuse to set fire to the barn.

jimlamarche.ca

.

.

SHADOW OF A MAN

There is this theory, grounded in Jungian psychology that has been passed on, revised and charted by mature travellers and translators seeking altitude. Archetypes.

 

Entitlement

The male psyche is a labyrinth of possibilities ranging from the mature King, Warrior, Magician, Lover paradigms down to any number of infantile variations often seen in our anti-heroes, villains and politicians. In our Marvel infused universe, sometimes it's fun to love the bad guy.

The latter's mission? To capitalize on becoming the ultimate victim, amassing followers and making all those who see their obvious weakness as accomplices in the plot to overthrow their righteous agenda. The terrifying clown capers conditionally condoned … their sadistic masochistic impotence addicted to behaviours quietly sanctioned by those unable to escape their own stunted afflictions having been reminded over and over since they were kids, that they are damaged dummies too. Hell, maybe it's time to STFU and grow a pair!
 

It’s an entitlement that defies all other entitlements because it is rooted in abstract absolution; a dystopian despair in a perilous pact with a malevolent martyr.

Tis the age of the sanctimonious sociopath. 

Fred Trump

The Know-it-all Trickster

Every human can relate to it, albeit some more than others. That resounding resentment justified in jest. That incessant need for attention, acknowledgment, relevance with recognition they never got as kids so now? It’s payback time. If I can't have it? I'll just TAKE it!

The tyrannical trickster with a penchant for pain, posturing for punitive posterity. It’s making his kid eat every bite of his boot leather 'tough love' liver and onions because that’s what his Dad made him do. What's necessary. You see, nothing in this world is free and everything you get, you must fight for because if you don't - THEY will! It's a self sustaining liquid lunch logic that defies explanation with zero visibility. Self preservation demanding danger. A trick.

Most become fathers. Some billionaires, famous actors, musicians, movie producers and yes … politicians. The obvious giveaway is the forced stance, outwardly appearing solid, strong, hyper-masculine and impenetrable but to those who look more closely, they are still children, having never evolved in their emotional maturity past adolescence. Shadows.

Never loved so they too are unable to love. Their evolution is almost always defined by their parenting, specifically their fathers who pass on the torch of dysfunction to their sons; proud of being able to watch them take on the mutation like it’s a well earned boy scout badge to cherish ordained in faith. The words empathy & humility are in fact in their vocabulary only they don’t subscribe to the stupidity. Feeling real joy is weakness (a lesson learned early on). 

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover

Our shadow systems become murky versions of what could have been. An idea.

Where real Kings leave a legacy, tyrants leave torment. Kings develop practical wisdom with self discipline, acquiring then becoming mindful mentors, detaching from their mothers and yet are decisive protectors. Warriors embrace fear, core values and resilience against corrupt cons. Magicians celebrate creative diversity and commit to lifelong learning. Lovers cultivate patience in waiting, becoming spontaneous benefactors of benevolence.  

And so … The corporate "yes man," the wife-beater, the hot-shot male junior executive and the emotionally distant father are all boys pretending to be men and most never become one. In all the procurements, bluster and bombast there remains a sobbing ‘crybaby’ because that’s what Dad called him again and again when he was 9 and that’s what stuck.

Inspiring Integrity

The mature masculine exists. It’s at minor league baseball in the stands, cheering his son on, then taking him out for ice cream after the game; congratulating him for a solid effort even though he struck out and his team losing. Being consistent in his messaging around consequences when one doesn’t keep their word/promises made. Inspiring integrity. It’s showing him how to build a tree house in the back yard, ride a bike, drive a car and love his new wife after he gets married. It’s being open and present when his son tells him he is gay. Failing an exam in college, reminding him that it’s just a temporary setback. It’s about encouraging him to learn and grow without ever forcing him to be someone he is not.
 

It’s becoming a grandfather and putting his 6 year old grandson on his knee and reading him a passage out of ‘The Tale of Peter Rabbit’ only to suddenly stop and let him run to his Nana who hands him a cookie; letting him go with a smile. Thankful. Content.

It’s about letting those he loves live their lives without interfering. 

Epilogue

Your children are not your enemies - you need not fear them. Differences are not battles that you must win or lose. If you lock yourself into seeming warfare, all perspective becomes lost. 

Terrible and hurtful things are said. The whole family suffers and the wounds are slow to heal. Win or lose are words a family does not need. Me? I like the idea of being remembered for someone who nurtured kindness, not blame.

Jim Lamarche - Sept. 2024

SHADOW OF A MAN

jimlamarche.ca

 

.