Jim Lamarche - SAVING LIVES

Monday, 14 October 2024

STAND BY YOUR MAN

girls get a raw deal

it's a mans world

"get over it"

S T A N D B Y Y O U R M A N

that's what I told my daughter today

sitting at the bar eating brunch - while she works
at "Insomnia" on Bloor in Toronto - how appropriate

having slept little - she's a soldier
always tired - why?

through the hardware of a bustling crowd
all the modern devices on display

a mixture of truly cosmopolitan men and women
an all so perfect, multi-cultural blend
obviously very awake and yet, all so pre-occupied

pretending to be normal
appropriate music at just the right volume
this food and drink - good - life is good

looking forward at her in between bites
softening for a moment
in between her ongoing recoil - driven by her craft
staying - on course
it hurts still

she's such a warrior princess

thinking - I was blessed

she's "rising to the occasion" nonetheless

it's a default position - in an ugly tangle

she's grieving the passing of a relationship

and a man who hurt her - her boyfriend of almost a year

that's what I told her - so called "fatherly advice"

shitty deal girl - get with the program

get over it

(from Dad's mouth to mine)

girls are poisoned coming in

at a young age - and I'm part of that

bombarded by weapons of mass construction

victims of our ancestral karma

all so meticulously choreographed by men

seeds that are planted in misinformation - incubation - masturbation

into numbness - in a routine mission that fails - yet again
abort - "next" ...

ok, there are always the fruits from a good harvest

and that simple sermon delivered by a good male soul

at Sunday mass - all in good faith

but it's never enough

women are programmed to give and take

in a pre-meditated ritual

that deceives and destroys

the spirit is compromised and the water becomes contaminated

all part of gods plan? I'm questioning that tonight

and so dear friends

welcome back to my mishap in the making

an ongoing exercise in redemption
delivered with hope and optimism

and yet with caution

S T A N D B Y Y O U R M A N

Bonnie and Clyde

it started early - from the banishment of Hildegard Von Bingen

from the church - for writing words
and making music - for speaking up

to a lost and alone Anne Frank in Amsterdam during WW2
just wondering what is going on here?
the insanity that surrounds the world - what's this?

it surfaces in crimes of passion and broken promises

what happened Daddy? why does this hurt so much?
why are you so mean?

get over it

self esteem erodes

deviant distractions are devised

in a concocted contingency contagion
bravely bred - in a silent science

returning to our secret place

a counter-measure that we didn't want to exercise
but have to now ... out of necessity

it continues

the holocaust was just a beginning

in the feminine decomposition - the decay smells rotten - oh btw ...

"do you think i'm pretty?"

rate me on a scale from 1 - 10
on the internet

rate my face

Anne Frank in Amsterdam - 1942

hijabs in high heels - hot
i love Square One - shopping mall - Mississauga
high tension hypocrisy
on any given day

international ramifications
in a history of violence
enough said

ok, it's all about the presentation

it's not about who you are

no, it's not about what you bring to the table

it's not about your feelings, desires or your fears

it's not about your beliefs or your ambitions

none of that

no my dear ... it's all about your faith

in a modern masculine modality that you have invested in
your destiny - the circus show
that we are all so entertained by in the media

by the displacement of power, repression and perception
the pasteurized poison
served up clean
and "neat"

in our given - inherited hypocrisy
embedded in our religion and our philosophy
just "shut - the fuck - up"

just get over it

you are nothing

you are only worth something ...

if you become something - in my image

and only if you present yourself accordingly

there are rules in place

follow them my dear, and you will be rewarded

break the rules? - and you will be punished

that's how it works

bend over ... you're going to like this

Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo

just do as I say and it will be ok

i know you want it - i know you want to be ah ... loved

so just - do this

get the girl

"then after you're finished? we need a hammer
and garbage bags - Home Depot - for the wreckage
you're part of this now"

just do as you're told

and it will all be ok - trust me

girls are afraid - and so they should be!

of being cast aside by Daddy - yep - how it works

and Mommy who follows Daddy

because she's told to

punishment hurts

none of us wants that - and yet, here we go again

it's just another night
in relapse

get me off

Tori Stafford, Michael Rafferty and Terri-Lynn Mclintic

just lure her into the car

after school

I want her young - and pretty -
na, you don't have it in you

to actually do this - to bring me what I want

you don't have the guts

so just do it - bring me what I want
or you don't get that special surprise that I promised you

this happened in my hometown - Woodstock

in 2009 - I lived there as a kid

clueless

Tori was raped and murdered
by a ruptured couple

for those who have little girls

just love them

tell them that they are special and that they are loved

hold them like they are our only hope

for a better world and a better future

for our girls

he doesn't love you - the same way
that you love him

S T A N D B Y Y O U R M A N

"sometimes its hard to be a woman
giving all your love to just one man"

dedicated to Tori Stafford - 2001 - 2009

Woodstock Ontario

HEALER

"be faithful in small things

because it is in them - that your strength lies"

Mother Teresa

H E A L E R

it's an assumption

that fundamentally, we're all equal - embedded in the constitution
here in Canada especially - then there's "karma"

then there's reality - the judgements - the walls of shame
welcome to the fear factory - centuries of criminal behavior

conditionally condoned

adverse conditions creating chaos - abort alpha one charlie delta fox

I'm going down - mayday - mayday - mayday
"requesting an emergency rescue evac - unknown co-ordinates

on fire - crash and burn scenario subject seduction - with respect
just get your ass into the situation - now sir"

I need a healer

"a man is but the product of his thoughts
what he thinks, he becomes"

Mahatma Gandhi

going down in flames
little chance of recovery
fading voices - shadowy shape shifters
downward spiral - blunt force - smoke - fire -
reverberation - condemnation into redemption

she lies next to me in silence - shields down - surrender

darkened room - in port - docked - respite repair
only it's a haze - a dream - years ago with her
is this real

in our bedroom - early on

reaching over and touching my wounded shoulder during intimacy
when time stood still - before anything mattered - this
a genuine gesture that feels good - caring
in war crimes - realizing time is short
in this moment - stillness

"you - are a healer", a simple acknowledgement

spoken quietly in the presence of grace and humility
empathy - compassion - deliverance - she receives the message in form
no expectation - only loving, accepting resolve - nothing matters
only what is right here - right now ... you are everything
and you are nothing

"shhh - close your eyes now - sleep dear"

that caress along my receding hair line
that soft kiss on my cheek - drifting
into slumber - ah
home

"the wound ... is the place where the light enters you"

Rumi

no attachment - no shame - no pretension - no fallout - no "discussion"
no need to pretend and/or hide behind anything
no cruel constructions - no walls of blame - no borderlines

it's simple, I think - it's all about "listening" (not speaking)

the truth ultimately unfolds in receiving information
taking it in gently

when she walks into a room
my heart goes bing - bang - boom - "mommy"!
waking from a dream at 5am - heart pounding - so real OMG

so right there - I could touch her - shivering shaking
I feel cold

we all are conditioned to give and take according to the plan
braised on high heat from the very beginning - barbecued chicken

deliciously sauced and served with a side of our choice

for some it's religion - for others it's faith

for others it's a simple good nights sleep
awakening into resolution and refreshment
for me it's all of the above
I am thank-full - yes god - the affirmation
the adoration returning

thank you

H E A L E R

it doesn't matter who I am - or what I stand for

it's not about my conquests or my fears, regrets

accomplishments - mistakes
none of that

it's about my intention

in willingness to let go of everything
lose the baggage
ah

right here - right now

Sunday, 13 October 2024

SENIOR MOMENT - turning 65, a short synopsis

birthdays

I am 65 - officially a senior

slower, wiser - more forgetful

(ok I'm crispy creamed)

it was always a flash in my mind

what will it be like? how will I look?

thinking of my parents and my grandparents right now

as I approach them physically and cognitively

at 9 thinking fuck

I hope I never become that!

welcome to the moment

Ker-thunk

I’ve realized some things as of late, that I couldn’t really see clearly over the course of my life growing up, becoming a ‘mature’ adult; often struggling to grasp basics like managing relationships/family, juggling career & finances (so busy all the time) … the goal of stability and recognition. Blind as a bat.

What I never saw until now was the loneliness they endured day after day. On islands - isolated and impaired but still very aware. I was struggling too and she understood that. A primal maternal instinct in disarray. My needs more important than hers. I miss granny.

Most seniors experience a very real neglect from those younger; left alone for longer & longer periods of time with no contact. Quiet reflection lasting weeks, months … sometimes years (for many) with perhaps a fleeting hello/check in. A tough spot. Expressing loneliness often creates a reaction and a further distancing. I mean, who wants to be around someone who is needy right? So keeping quiet and taking what you can get becomes a new norm. I count my blessings every day. I got lucky (convincing tone).

That said, both of my grandmothers, in their late 70’s were actually quite humble; understanding that their children were busy living their lives and didn’t want to be bothered. It’s an endearing quality that I fully appreciate, especially now. That said ... do you have to be so far away?

The best you can do is to leave them alone; to live their lives and not interfere.

That's what love is.

Reverence vs. Relevance

As a kid, I remember watching my parents interacting w/theirs with some confusion. It was like a ‘duty’ thing for them, that they really wish they didn’t have to do. Often impatient, getting short with them for the smallest of reasons, wanting to get away from them as soon as humanly possible. Retaining some sense of relevance becoming more and more challenging. We kids were occasionally shuffled off to the grandparents so Mom & Dad could get a break from us. All in all, aging parents had their benefits.

Both of my parents sometimes received money when times were tough, from their mothers who were always there for them but all too infrequently in return. Of course always a ‘loan’ and of course never paid back. It was just a given. Grandfathers were always out of the picture … a recurring theme throughout my life (absent father syndrome).

Pit Stop

In the one year I went to Woodstock Collegiate Institute (1973 - Grade 12 - at 16), I ate my lunch at Grandma Batho's on Edward Street, about 1 km north from the high school where she lived alone in a musty mid-sized 2 story, 3 bedroom Victorian on a quiet, turn of the century street. It was the highlight of her day, preparing a hot lunch for me Monday to Friday that school year that she gladly paid for, living on her modest nest egg (savings) and a next to nothing government pension.

Big old trees, crickets in the twilight. I always slept like a baby there when I was younger and we lived there for a short time as a kid. Fresh air, quiet ... night sounds. Old wind up clocks with florescent arms ticking slightly out of sync. Mom & Dad sleeping in the next room, Granny down the hall.

My arrival signalled a return to family ... like she had in the past - gone, now back.

The look on her face sitting at the kitchen table staring out a window when I walked in the door was priceless. That smell. Pork chops & Libby's deep browned beans w/boiled potatoes - my fave.

She was deaf mute and we talked a crude sign language on our hands and she was always so happy to see me. Very simple, caring woman. Granny always knew the second I walked in that front door at 12:12 pm because she was waiting for it, almost counting down the seconds. I thought nothing of it. It was a convenient mid-day respite w/lunch for me. A stop-over.

I just took it for granted, preoccupied w/life as an insecure 16 year old who liked music; quietly dreaming of what it would be like to make a living doing that. For her, my daily 10 minutes sitting at the table having lunch with her was everything. Relaxing in the living room listening to the radio before returning. Mike Oldfield, Tubular Bells on whilst listening to her washing the dishes. I hated high school.

She rarely ate herself, just watched me eat.

I often wonder what it must have been like that late June, after finishing my exams and not coming for lunch anymore. That last day of school, I waved goodbye to her and I walked home to have supper w/Mom, younger brother and self absorbed step-dad just like I did every other school night.

I can’t imagine what it was like for her, knowing I wouldn’t be coming back - ever.

I didn't even give it a second thought.

mona batho w/laddie - summer 1947

Neglect

She must have been incredibly sad about that. I went on to college in London then moved to Toronto. I saw her maybe 3 or 4 more times (Christmas) after that final lunch there in June 1974 before she died in 1978 when I was after-show partying in Sault Ste. Marie performing in a band that winter.

I often think about what grandma batho went through. Especially now ...

because I'm going through the very same thing she did.

I miss her - miss them. Recurring dreams.

Just here to document them.

volume up, 720p