S O S

it used to be so nice
it used to be so good 

this is a slow roast


there's a whisper in the trees

in an open northern ontario sky
in late summer

the stars are shifting into early morning

it's a full moon still visible - crisp and clear

dangerous

it's twilight

a misty fog on the river

as the chill meets the thrill

and an animal screams

in the distance

for it's life

 S  O  S

  

shivers up my spine - looking out - WTF was THAT?
something out of a horror movie - shaking in my soiled seat

only THIS is real
 

 consumed by nature - a rapid-fire rapture ravishing

requieted love lost then found - reborn

out of nowhere ravaging my religion

releasing my remorse
feeling her pain
RIP

I am reminded of another place - earlier on

a place of creature comforting colouring crayons

mommy singing me to sleep

drifting peacefully

"there'll be bluebirds over, the white cliffs of dover
tomorrow when the world is free"


"mommy - are the monsters going to come back tonight?"
no dear - monsters aren't real

go to sleep now


 

warm - not afraid - trusting all of it
only because you are here
my instincts, my love - the universe will take care of you
saying that to myself over and over 
numbing the nightmare

that keeps me awake

after she turns off the light
and I roll over - the same gentle kiss on my cheek
in always the same spot

always reminding her to leave the door open a crack
smiling - "yes dear ... good night" 

more please
thank you mommy


"goodnight beautiful"
 

it's the last thing I hear
away from the mayhem - away from the haze

Sudbury Ontario - 1960 - waking in the twilight zone

staring at the window opened half way designed draperies wavering

in the soft incoming wind
sleep walker

pulling them aside looking out - still stars  

with Dabo, my stuffed monkey in my arms

at 4 - barely thinking - protected

slipping into slumber
in and out

 

dreaming

ouch!
grow up boy
reality returning
Daddy's watching

mosquito bite? - laughing "sheeit - you have no fucking idea kid"

smacking my arm - sitting by what's left of the fire
fading to black, then blacker

he's firing a live semi-automatic rifle
into the night sky
bam bam bam
  
 "take that you fucking bitch"

turning and looking down at me 
"the sooner you learn to grow the fuck up
the better", slurping down his 9th beer 
on a Tuesday night - now morning

bloodbath squish on my bare arm and now?

a familiar itch - they say there's a black river witch
looking back around 

silence

alone again

even he, is gone 
that happens a lot 
unless I feed it 

scratching it while she collapses, paralysed
open wounds in a capture kill, single round
designed in something
I could never understand

why?  do we need to kill each other


?

ok, you're in nature and you're hungry
living off the land and need meat/protein
got it - but why why why
do we kill each other
the harassment
even on our
sons

senselessly 

why do we hurt
others

because it feels good
to inflict pain 

 

  

I'm thinking it's a power thing
Mom and Dad fighting all the time
power and sex - so right
what's that all about?

ok, let's do business 
 
everybody wants something
you got it and they want it - whatever - could be charisma
could be virtue, joy, money - could be something that they'll never have

unless they steal it

could be something they want that you got
and if you don't give it up

it's all over
UNLESS
 
you surrender

I'm confused
don't know what to do
mommy - where are you

do I
fight or give up?

I need help



 

   
there's a whisper in the trees

in an open northern ontario sky

it's ok
you are going to be ok
trust me

shaking, face down in the dirt
buried and bleeding
damaged and deceived
looking up at her  

why?
why?? - my son 

because you believe in it
that thing that you think you can't control
only you can

stepping out of bed again, and walking toward the half open window
flannel pyjamas - tiny toes taking small steps scared
pulling back the drapes that only make the dark darker
 
looking out and realizing that the universe will in fact
take care of me - should I let her in

that I will be safe again

that I will love again

that I will breathe
.

again




 

 

   

I really believe that

and in that one last look of wonder
sensing everything out there - that stirs in the world

craving
 so as it should



letting go

S  O  S






dedicated to Jo Cox

passive aggressive

Maverick is a word which appeals to me more than misfit

Maverick is active - misfit is passive

Alan Rickman

p a s s i v e   a g g r e s s i v e

I hear your SOS on the radio

passive-aggressive is often seen in

people who have not learned how to express

their feelings, needs and desires to others

Woodstock is the "friendly city"

large enough in that anything and everything

one could ever need or want

is just a few minutes away

and small enough that 

everyone knows

everyone

perfect


South-western Ontario is a peaceful place
where time comes and goes in a dreamy daze
one day after another after another
year after year 

people here get good jobs
and learn to fit in
 
winters are cold and summers are warm
the soft smell of pork charring on the barbeque
kids laughing and playing in the new plastic pool
that mom and dad picked up on sale at Wal-Mart
$39.95 - half price!

life is - good

  

 

neighbours chatting over the back fence

about how Donny just got accepted at Fanshawe College

and Maddy (just turned 17) becoming

lead cheerleader at Huron Park Secondary

this is a huge leap for her

well with her history

(not spoken but both thinking)

and Bradley Junior - a late-comer - only 5
splashing in the pool, turning the hose 
on his friend Josh
(smiles all around)  

so ya - everything is good here

so how's Brad doing with the new job at Toyota?

big money now eh? - you guys thinking about 

a vacation this year?

ah without the kids? - wink

Mexico again?  I hear there's a wonderful new casino
in Acapulco - no, money's tight this year, maybe next year 

looking at her watch - ah geez gotta go 
sorry 

Ya it's Brad's night out with the boys tonight

you know - the "Thursday night meeting"

they call it - (tight laugh - forced smile)

dopers - I mean when the fuck
are these guys going to grow the fuck up?
(not spoken but both thinking)

Ya well - the boys do need to get out once in a while

blow off a little steam ya?

ya there's drinkin' and stuff 

no bother to me - I'm sound asleep

when he comes in
(tight laugh)

falling down drunk 
and smells like a fucking brewery
(not spoken but both thinking)

5 teen suicides in 2 months here
word is - over 30 more who tried to
and kids are really scared

they're walking down to city hall tomorrow
all 5 high-schools are joining into one
in some attempt to make sense
of all this sadness
I think it's a good idea

Facebook groups
and concerned adults who want to do 
something

I mean OK - everything is going to be OK
it's just a phase that kids go through right?
we went through it and learned how to cope
and kids these days - geez with the internet
and all these frikkin video games
(tight laugh - forced smile)
  

We're meeting at the church every Wednesday night
and we're talking about it now - parents
with troubled kids - you should come
they need help you know
(single tear forming) 

no, Brad doesn't come - game night
but I go - I mean - it's our duty
right?

looking at her watch 

Maddy is ok, I mean she's getting good grades
and isn't hanging with that bad crowd anymore
she's happy and has a new boyfriend
Terry is the quarter-back on the Huskies
his first year at Western University coming up
Engineering - good kid and ya - he's a looker!

quiet giggle


yep, I'm thinking they'll be settling into one of those new houses
off Devonshire before long
have 3 kids (just like we did) and Maddy will live 
happily after ever 

(a brief departure - a quiet thought)  

maybe she's getting it
I know I'm not - my husband hasn't touched me in months
(thinking)

so ya - gotta go - supper you know - Thursday night meeting right?
Brad's fun night and he'll want supper on the table right at 6
(tight laugh - forced smile)

ah geez no, the kids don't eat with us anymore
they're so busy with other things 

Maddy's got a date with Terry - go team go!
stepping away


oh Linda - Gail just posted the video that Madeline Merlo did for us 
you know - the beautiful singer from Vancouver

(Linda does not own a computer)

amazing voice - wow!
she's been through the pain too
and wants us to know
that she's thinking
about us 

so sweet

it's on the YSP Youth Suicide Prevention
in Woodstock facebook page
 

yeah, join up and like all the posts
everyone is really pumped
we're spreading the message
nationally

kids who need our help are
just a call away 

this is all about everyone working together
to make it all work right 

from a distance
 

p a s s i v e   a g g r e s s i v e





I mean ok, let's face it ... we can't all be perfect
but anything is possible - if we can just learn to stand tall 
and try just a little harder


it's ok, to not be ok
.

she (this angel) wrote this song
for us - so perfect

so beautiful


so come on pick up your phone
don't have to face it

alone  
 

 
 
dedicated to the young people who took their own lives 
in Woodstock Ontario, between April and June 2016

Maverick is a word which appeals to me more than misfit. Maverick is active, misfit is passive. Alan Rickman
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/passive_2.html

Maverick is a word which appeals to me more than misfit. Maverick is active, misfit is passive. Alan Rickman
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/passive_2.html

Maverick is a word which appeals to me more than misfit. Maverick is active, misfit is passive. Alan Rickman
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/passive_2.html

traumatized

“There are wounds that never show on the body 

that are deeper and more hurtful 

than anything that bleeds.” 

Laurell Hamilton, Mistral's Kiss

t r a u m a t i z e d

 

we all have been traumatized

in one way shape or form

at some point in our lives - earlier on perhaps

out of nowhere - incoming

when we least expect it

scared silly
ya, takes one to know one
hiding fear is essential to survival 

quietly consuming a yummy mac & cheese supper
then BAM - like a brick through the window

maybe it was our parents arguing

and Dad losing his shit - the screaming violence

not necessarily physical and yet here we are again

fearful nonetheless - just children - watching
it all go down - helpless

I see it in the animals that we care for

my feral cat bolting after seeing a flurry of coons recently

invading us

out back, when I wasn't looking nearing dusk
laying out on my deck (fading sun) minding his own business
just when becoming domesticated - stable
was starting to feel pretty good
settling - collected 

shock - poof
vanishing

running and running - Jesus! panting for air
getting lost fuck

gone all night, then all day - returning late
totally freaked out - shivering in the shadows
he's back and so glad to be home again

woofing down a bowl of food and a litre of water

in 27 seconds, before resting in peace

in his spot on my cozy sofa - inside
shaking

OK - WTF was that?

chill - "you're safe now
and I still love you" 

right, freedom - not all that cracked up
to what it's supposed to be

and yet  

no animal belongs in a cage  

he is so thankful that I'm still here for him

having been traumatized earlier by them

obviously having encountered raccoons

in the past - and losing
badly 

we can learn so much about our own vulnerable natures

from them - our little friends who didn't see it coming either 
blindsided by the twilight twister

for many it could be that haunting siren

looking up - dark sky - bombs falling

for others, a TV newsflash that a tornado

is just seconds away

and about to take out the entire trailer park

in one all consuming gulp

destroying everything

yes

at any moment we could be dead and gone

for most, it's a reminder
of how fragile we are 

taking shelter
better prepared this time 

bottled water, canned food
candles/batteries

I am convinced now - more than ever

that despite what we see and hear in the news

in what they want us to believe

in what they want from us

that there is a peaceful place for us here

that we can make this all work

only because we must

transcending trauma

is doable

t r a u m a t i z e d


  

and that in all this apocalyptic imagery

that surrounds us

we can still find our way
home again




dedicated to my best friend - Troy