S O S

it used to be so nice
it used to be so good 

this is a slow roast


there's a whisper in the trees

in an open northern ontario sky
in late summer

the stars are shifting into early morning

it's a full moon still visible - crisp and clear

dangerous

it's twilight

a misty fog on the river

as the chill meets the thrill

and an animal screams

in the distance

for it's life

 S  O  S

  

shivers up my spine - looking out - WTF was THAT?
something out of a horror movie - shaking in my soiled seat

only THIS is real
 

 consumed by nature - a rapid-fire rapture ravishing

requieted love lost then found - reborn

out of nowhere ravaging my religion

releasing my remorse
feeling her pain
RIP

I am reminded of another place - earlier on

a place of creature comforting colouring crayons

mommy singing me to sleep

drifting peacefully

"there'll be bluebirds over, the white cliffs of dover
tomorrow when the world is free"


"mommy - are the monsters going to come back tonight?"
no dear - monsters aren't real

go to sleep now


 

warm - not afraid - trusting all of it
only because you are here
my instincts, my love - the universe will take care of you
saying that to myself over and over 
numbing the nightmare

that keeps me awake

after she turns off the light
and I roll over - the same gentle kiss on my cheek
in always the same spot

always reminding her to leave the door open a crack
smiling - "yes dear ... good night" 

more please
thank you mommy


"goodnight beautiful"
 

it's the last thing I hear
away from the mayhem - away from the haze

Sudbury Ontario - 1960 - waking in the twilight zone

staring at the window opened half way designed draperies wavering

in the soft incoming wind
sleep walker

pulling them aside looking out - still stars  

with Dabo, my stuffed monkey in my arms

at 4 - barely thinking - protected

slipping into slumber
in and out

 

dreaming

ouch!
grow up boy
reality returning
Daddy's watching

mosquito bite? - laughing "sheeit - you have no fucking idea kid"

smacking my arm - sitting by what's left of the fire
fading to black, then blacker

he's firing a live semi-automatic rifle
into the night sky
bam bam bam
  
 "take that you fucking bitch"

turning and looking down at me 
"the sooner you learn to grow the fuck up
the better", slurping down his 9th beer 
on a Tuesday night - now morning

bloodbath squish on my bare arm and now?

a familiar itch - they say there's a black river witch
looking back around 

silence

alone again

even he, is gone 
that happens a lot 
unless I feed it 

scratching it while she collapses, paralysed
open wounds in a capture kill, single round
designed in something
I could never understand

why?  do we need to kill each other


?

ok, you're in nature and you're hungry
living off the land and need meat/protein
got it - but why why why
do we kill each other
the harassment
even on our
sons

senselessly 

why do we hurt
others

because it feels good
to inflict pain 

 

  

I'm thinking it's a power thing
Mom and Dad fighting all the time
power and sex - so right
what's that all about?

ok, let's do business 
 
everybody wants something
you got it and they want it - whatever - could be charisma
could be virtue, joy, money - could be something that they'll never have

unless they steal it

could be something they want that you got
and if you don't give it up

it's all over
UNLESS
 
you surrender

I'm confused
don't know what to do
mommy - where are you

do I
fight or give up?

I need help



 

   
there's a whisper in the trees

in an open northern ontario sky

it's ok
you are going to be ok
trust me

shaking, face down in the dirt
buried and bleeding
damaged and deceived
looking up at her  

why?
why?? - my son 

because you believe in it
that thing that you think you can't control
only you can

stepping out of bed again, and walking toward the half open window
flannel pyjamas - tiny toes taking small steps scared
pulling back the drapes that only make the dark darker
 
looking out and realizing that the universe will in fact
take care of me - should I let her in

that I will be safe again

that I will love again

that I will breathe
.

again




 

 

   

I really believe that

and in that one last look of wonder
sensing everything out there - that stirs in the world

craving
 so as it should



letting go

S  O  S






dedicated to Jo Cox