PRAYING MANTIS

you will fold your arms and hands

then you will fold

 you will let the rain-water wash you clean

in the prison you choose to live inside  

your church ... your jar

you pray

every day ... the same way - you pray

for a signal ... a tricky trickle of light through your retina embryo

your 'common sense' lens

in your instrument of carnal observation and delicately honed judgement

in curiosity, knowing that we have such little time - waiting 
you look, for some sign of life ... in the mirror pool 
over and over and over again

forever cautious of the shadows ... on guard 
on-look for the deception

  always lurking ... 'look, what's that'? 

you were taught well ... the lies ... the shame

and in your moment of solace, that comforting voice returns

that's a good girl

daddy will take care of you

haunting

 yet oddly alluring ... you take him in again

but like a smart soul

and like any animal or insect with integrity and sharp teeth

you continue to pray for peace and order within yourself

and in the attachments that envelope ... you will submit

surrender ... to that which you cannot change

I am a failure
so it appears

you will learn to love yourself again ... unconditionally

and in the awakening, you will see life again

from your child’s perspective

when you were 6, you sat in a garden 
alone - you don’t remember

in awe of that first praying mantis, you WILL remember it again

maybe you captured it in a glass jar delicately in observation

even with some grass - that it doesn't eat 
so it had food - wishful thinking

like the predator that YOU are

even poking holes in the lid so that he can breathe air

not interested in the grass
not threatened by this captivity

not interested in anything but what's here right now

entertaining eternity

careful observation requires patience
tedious minutes turn into hours
do not disturb
watching - conclusion 


and so, in your benevolent repose you may have even put a stick in the jar

so that you may see it better, only to grow impatient and let it go later

back to it's natural habitat ... into the wild - landing in the familiar

distant thunder - quieter - that single raindrop on your hand, looking up
into the weather - no quarter - no way out

that deafening silence returning, and yet

in that moment you are truly still
in the perfect storm

breathe

 in your macro focus you realize, finally getting it

that consciousness is just what you make it

everything that is “behind” you is just THAT

part of your past

there is nothing more than this green leaf

that you munch on in this moment - like a potato chip

humble and innocent

time stands still ... wide eyed and crystalized

and so, the mantis lands on familiar ground again and re-adapts

but doesn't fly away for the longest time

totally aware

that it's captor is still right there watching intently

no fear

it begins to eat again ... watching in fascination

watching ... learning, then suddenly ... it's gone

it's never enough ... you hunger for more

it's a longing to connect with something bigger and better

but not knowing how

and so in your grieving; in the pain, suffering ...

remorse, despair ... guilt and blame

that was inflicted on you at an early age ... surfacing

you will finally GET that it’s just baggage, garbage

you don’t need to carry it around anymore, like the burden

you were supposed to nurture every day of your life

the curse that you inherited, long ago

and accepted your karmic legacy

that was THEM not you

this ticket is null and void

this hand of cards is a trick, the deck was stacked

redemption arrives ... finally

or does it?  maybe this is a trick too

you question yourself

and so

you will cry for a long time, like you've never cried

weeping for hours in mourning, shivering, totally alone

it will consume you, only momentarily

your memento drifts into a peaceful slumber, yet again

yes ... you will sleep for a long time - always tired

only to awaken to the same mistake you keep making

over and over and over again

like a moth to the flame

you persist

you continually ache for that feeling

of being ripped apart in your heart and then your soul

slow burn ... over and over ... hurts so good

in the charred wreckage you dig down

deep down - into your pit of despair ... abyss management - just one clue

longing for closure, but no ... not yet

you will however, persist ... in your quest for clarity and freedom

sifting through endless chaos theories and utter confusion

where is it?  i know it's here somewhere

 again,  folding, crashing, scraping



P R A Y I N G   M A N T I S

you will self-destruct and breakdown yet again

only something will finally change

an unscheduled exorcism - departure and arrival

the executioner and the victim inside you will have left you, finally

those little voices in your head that control you will be gone

you will feel lighter ... you will feel healthier

you will feel whole again

awakening

and in this moment of new-found clarity you will release

like you never knew possible

and when you resurface - in your tenuous tenement
and see that your guardian angel is gone

you will let her go with grace and humility

for you will KNOW

that she loves you wherever you go

 only because you do

.






.