flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss Douglas Adams
f r e e d a n c i n g
far away journey foreign land,
chasing shadows in the rain
searching for the sunrise
It's what music sounded like 30 years ago.
Searching was my second album on A&M/Universal Music, recorded and released in 1985. I was thrilled when I got the call from Michael Godin - VP A&R there at the time with the news that there was a green light on it, after my first (self-titled) release which did little in terms of radio so it really didn't make it to retail. There was a renewed faith, belief/optimism that permeated my existence that year. This meant $30K for the record and another $30K for a video - YES! $60,000 was a lot of money in 1985.
Back then, labels knew that a commitment to an artist was essential because the average (successful) recording act didn't break even for 2-3 albums and maybe 1 in 10 signed acts made it to that place so, here we go. I had written most of the songs for it and they were most excited about my song "Little Boys" that ended up being the so-called 'single' and we put most of the money into the studio album and video for that song. The video for 'Little Boys' is posted on my web-site (bottom of the music page).
I liked Free Dancing more (for a single), yes VERY different - but it was Michael's and the record company's call. Little Boys received extensive air-play on MUCHMUSIC (nationally), and CFNY radio (now '102 the Edge') in Toronto, but Searching itself sold small numbers. I had what they call an "All-In" production deal with A&M, so it meant I was responsible for the production/planning and delivery of the album by a certain date - which I did. I also got to spend some of the budget on gear so I could assemble it at home first, saving money AND having a studio to work in - in the future (without a label).
Even though Searching was the most expensive album I've made, tragically it's my least favourite. What I've learned is that you can't make good art on a specific time-line/deadline. Every creation needs proper time to breathe and grow organically. This was a problem for me and being signed to a record company - scheduled releases and a pipeline that isn't conducive to creativity. There are several tracks on this album that just didn't get finished properly - needing the full term to incubate and only having a few months to plan, produce and realize in it's totality.
For instance, this
version of Free Dancing has a guitar and vocal overdubs that didn't
exist on the original version - and is actually done now. Pulling
tracks up later at home and adding/editing more. I'm still proud of it
though - came together nicely. It just needed more time to simmer
properly. Pulling Free Dancing back up and do a new clip/video (30
years later) is a real treat.
keep you in the dark you know they all pretend where you see a broken child/boy ... man i see a broken system perhaps a tad more delicate than what they would have us believe
p r e t e n d e r
i am continually astounded
by what's going on state-side and if i should take the risk to use kid web-jargon here - ah
WTF
as america continues it's relentless pounding the body-count steadily rising - resting at the ranch
in a total state of denial - there is a whisper of hope
in rock and roll
I was always attracted to music
because it offered a place to express something
a secret world, that couldn't be touched
reckoned with - fucked with a chance to be larger than life
some get it - some will never I mean ok ... who ARE YOU?
viewer discretion is advised this gets dark - sorry, gotta go here welcome to the american psyche
and so, who are you? wandering aimlessly out of line - lost like this? just who the fuck - do you think you are anyway?
when i look into this face, i hear these words ...
ok, I'm just a scared kid
some gender displacement going on here school is shit - life is shit - everybody lies all the time teachers, parents - all the kids around me ... even government - it's all rather depressing ok, i'm constipated, need to take
a good dump - purge oh wait - you don't want to hear this
i'm like, not good with girls, or boys for that matter actually? I'm scared of everyone ok, only I'm totally out of the loop - nobody likes me
i have a Facebook page but i have no real friends
Dad shamed me constantly growing up, and then called me a freak and then laughed - drunk smacked me around some - and then
he gave me a gun on my 18th birthday noble gesture - gee thanks Dad!
ah, what did you think was going to happen? idiot
a haunting homophobia mixed with shame/guilt
and a need to take it to the next level lost - alone - hungry - angry, ok ... fucked over
hey - yer different thinkin' ... i should fuck you over
same old story
disenfranchised youth - alienated - absent i mean, have you ever noticed that most of the mass murders in america are white kids with the guns?
(just give that one a minute)
the term 'duty calls' is that ringing any bells right now
?
and the 'race' card? na, just a little too convenient i think kids lashing out like this has little to do with that fundamentally
it's like Dad punching Mom in the face just because she's there and because she looks a little different today
a little mascara, eyeliner - lipstick thinking he might like that 'extra effort' in this morning's presentation slut preparing breakfast for us - ruined happens all the time, get over it wrong place, wrong time dude
his Dad was a racist so yes, I guess he inherited it ok, if this kid is a "racist" for real? it's only because that's what his country/father and his peers gave him the hand of cards he was dealt a whole lot of fear and anger outcast - desperate
let's leave the word incest out of the equation shall we - yep
the mature masculine is in short supply
and kids need outlets, because Playstation, the Walking Dead and their iPhones sometimes doesn't cut it more distractions all we need
so ya - where's Mom? where's Dad?
kids absorb everything the undercurrents of dissension in descension at school, at work - at play at home, at the mall in the park
watching, waiting
carrying out our self-fulfilling prophecy fighting the elements because that's part of the plan right?
divide and conquer what he wants
welcome to umurica
home of the free - land of the brave hypocrisy screaming streaming in HD
whatever
i played guitar to myself mostly shutting it all out
living in a place where most are oblivious - of their oblivion medicated - insulated - emasculated personified purified - yes because it's all covered up on TV and the internet in a convenient refill down the street
clean and neat
in any number of chill cells ergonomically elevated
creature comfort, quietly compliant we are here to listen and not learn - da only there are like, these glitches hidden messages in the frikkin' porn - dude
no - seriously! soo fucked up dude
WTF - OMG
so ok - like i told you
and so the story gets harder and harder to read make it stop - make it go away - make me sleep it's right about here, that most change the channel but not you - addicted? na - ok ...
no you really need to get to the bottom of this once and for all
and so - you keep reading looking for a clue in the rubble
i mean, ok ... it's easy once you get used to it parents hate each other - always gone torn to shreds because this country is so damaged
ah, not sure where I belong sir erection formation
it's that haunted look in their eyes
when they finally realize they are fucked
and are defeated - dementia destination
and that the only remaining option
is to be flushed down that dirty toilet
that mom never cleans anyway
it's remembering better times as a kid - when everything worked better and where happiness lived
p r e t e n d e r
in a country where fundamentally
few care about anything but themselves
everyone playing along - like it's all ok
if you just shut the fuck up and
pretend it's just another
show on TV
where everyone looks stupid
because the millions who watch this shit - day after day are themselves, a few fries short of a happy meal
our prodigal son is watching cable TV again skipping school and Mom is in the kitchen smoking cigarettes and drinking beer
Donald Trump is running for president again? - yay!
now for once ... maybe, just maybe this one time
there will be some jaundiced justice jonesing because I haven't had a decent orgasm in days
maybe for once - someone will step up
to take care of business, clean up this mess wiping all this horseshit away - those who look and think different - be gone
maybe Dad was right in saying numbly
at the kitchen table over supper
that america is doomed
that it's all about staking a claim
becoming larger than life - taking a stand against tyranny
starting right here at home - report card time what's this F in arithmetic? get to your room - now!
I'll be in later
I actually started enjoying the spankings not sure why
ah da - whatever - i have a gun now
and that's all I need
endless refills from Walmart
and all in a new plan - that I can control
not THEM
i'm the voice inside your head
you refuse to hear
i'm the face that you have to face
mirrored in your stare
i'm what's left, I'm what's right
i'm the enemy
i'm the hand that will take you down
bring you to your knees
i'm finished making sense
done pleading ignorance
that whole defense
ya so, I'm ready to take action
ready to take a stand
ready to die
for what i believe in too
no softening this blow
p r e t e n d e r
only this is MINE not yours
fuck this shit let's just DO this
my name is Dylann Storm Roof and i can't keep pretending
living your lie
and I'm ready to die for what I believe in!
because that is what I was designed for to fight for what's RIGHT
ya - so there's a storm on the horizon and it's got my name written all over it
all part of the plan? yep - MY plan
what if I say i'm not like the others what if I say i'm not just another one of your plays
never surrender
so let's not disguise this
this has little to do with race my beef isn't with colored folk this is really about you and me - right here right now
p r e t e n d e r
where you see a broken child/boy ... man i see a broken system
i will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him
g e t h s e m a n e
ok, it's biblical addressing our lowest common denominators bi-polarized
it's where Jesus went to die spiritually before physically (yeah, kind of important)
so sad
we are challenged every day
the elements can be so cruel and yet
humankind continually transcends that which hurts us
i'm not a religious person but Jesus, God - whatever i'm a subscriber
despite being sensationalized and desensitized hypnotized - purified - sterilized reaction versus pro-action
i am astounded
at how resilient we are
and i am in a place in my life at the moment
where optimism circumvents chaos in a newborn alignment ascending
after the final no, there comes a yes and it's on that yes, that the future world depends
Wallace Stevens
but there's no one left at home and i believe i'm going to rain
looking back on the home movies that Dad took of us in better times when nothing mattered but us in love with life - lunging forward captured on celluloid - on 8mm film (now on VHS tape - not yet digitized) on a used camera he bought for 30 bucks in 1965 - just for fun, working for a few months that summer, before it broke down where fixing it would cost more than what it was worth
back when fun - was still an option ok, sometimes i took pictures of them too
silent, all rather choppy, disjointed and yet relevant
absent of sound and music
.
we are afraid and so we should be in a world that hangs onto damage in a determined dementia we rise/evolve/resolve - here today, gone tomorrow appreciating my British heritage now in Canada
kids with guns in america beating and shooting each other still in high rotation - in a relentless revolver rampage playing russian roulette with guns that can be purchased at a corner store
despite all that
i'm beginning to admire human nature in a way i couldn't up till now more recently in observation the progress is real
we humans are essentially benevolent creatures who love more than hate history continually shows us that there's hope
in the ruins we always rise up homophobia transcended into a new beginning in recent events where those who hang on to the past are left behind where the storm finally takes it's toll ending life, prematurely
survivors of the holocaust gather in remembrance in appreciation
renewal/hope moral courage, compassion/empathy in a whole new forum of exchange political agendas becoming remarkable resources
despite what we read, hear, feel adjusting to modern times where corrections are being made out of necessity
all fueled by the will of the masses abolishing fossil fuels/carbon emissions embracing renewable energy so yes, good news the world is changing exponentially thank god
so many good things going on
we're so sorry, uncle albert
but if anything should happen
we'll be sure to give a ring
focusing on what works over that which doesn't on what's real vs. what isn't real we're FINALLY getting what needs to be done more emphasis on ecological and environmental sustainability
dancing in the debate in what's doable
climate change being addressed in new forums that challenge the status quo the biggy in Paris in December 2015coming
and so the monsoon keeps coming - year after year bringing life and death with it and yet embracing it nonetheless because we need the rain either way through the floods and the drought feast and famine, profit and poverty a time to remember
g e t h s e m a n e
this memoir is for my grandmother, and for our precious children/grandchildren our future generations we live in a beautiful world because we remember what works
