gethsemane

i will permit no man
to narrow and degrade
my soul by making me hate him



g e t h s e m a n e

 
ok, it's biblical
addressing our lowest
common denominators
bi-polarized

it's where Jesus went to die
spiritually before physically
(yeah, kind of important)

so sad

we are challenged every day

the elements can be so cruel and yet

humankind continually transcends that which hurts us

i'm not a religious person 
but Jesus, God -  whatever
i'm a subscriber

despite being
sensationalized and desensitized
hypnotized - purified - sterilized
reaction versus pro-action

i am astounded

at how resilient we are

 and i am in a place in my life at the moment

where optimism circumvents chaos
in a newborn alignment ascending


after the final no, there comes a yes
and it's on that yes, that the future world depends

Wallace Stevens

 


but there's no one left at home
and i believe i'm going to rain


looking back on the home movies
that Dad took of us in better times
when nothing mattered but us
in love with life - lunging forward
captured on celluloid - on 8mm film
(now on VHS tape - not yet digitized)
on a used camera he bought for 30 bucks
in 1965 - just for fun, working for a few months
that summer, before it broke down
where fixing it would cost more
than what it was worth

back when fun - was still an option 
ok, sometimes i took pictures
of them too

silent, all rather choppy, disjointed and yet
relevant

absent of sound and music

.


we are afraid and so we should be
in a world that hangs onto damage in a determined dementia
we rise/evolve/resolve - here today, gone tomorrow
appreciating my British heritage
now in Canada

 

kids with guns in america
beating and shooting each other
still in high rotation - in a relentless revolver rampage
playing russian roulette
with guns that can be purchased
at a corner store

despite all that

i'm beginning to admire human nature
in a way i couldn't up till now
more recently in observation
the progress is real

we humans are essentially benevolent creatures
who love more than hate
history continually shows us
that there's hope

in the ruins
we always rise up

homophobia transcended into a new beginning
in recent events where those who hang on to the past

are left behind
where the storm finally takes it's toll
ending life, prematurely

survivors of the holocaust
gather in remembrance
in appreciation

renewal/hope
moral courage, compassion/empathy
in a whole new forum of exchange
political agendas becoming remarkable resources

despite what we read, hear, feel
adjusting to modern times
where corrections are being made
out of necessity

all fueled by the will of the masses
abolishing fossil fuels/carbon emissions
embracing renewable energy

so yes, good news
the world is changing exponentially
thank god

so many good things going on

 
we're so sorry, uncle albert
but if anything should happen
we'll be sure to give a ring
 

focusing on what works
over that which doesn't
on what's real vs.
what isn't real
  
we're FINALLY getting what needs to be done
more emphasis on ecological and environmental sustainability

dancing in the debate
in what's doable

climate change being addressed in new forums
that challenge the status quo
the biggy in Paris in December 2015 coming 

and so the monsoon keeps coming - year after year
bringing life and death with it
and yet embracing it nonetheless 
because we need the rain
either way

through the floods and the drought
feast and famine, profit and poverty
a time to remember

 

g e t h s e m a n e



this memoir is for my grandmother, and
for our precious children/grandchildren
our future generations

we live in a beautiful world
because we remember
what works

so there you go, good news 
for a change
 

i miss you 


hands across the water
heads across the sky




dedicated to Mona Batho

the perfect storm

america will never be destroyed from the outside
if we falter and lose our freedoms
it will be because
we destroyed ourselves

from the inside 


Abraham Lincoln 




t h e   p e r f e c t   s t o r m

sometimes our leaders get it right
maybe there's something inside them
that points them - in the right direction

where suddenly
everything makes total sense again 
and they run with it because
it just feels right

without hope, we have
nothing


.


this post is inspired 
by my very first “zen experience” 
(religious experience?  ok if you feel more comfortable with that)
there have been a few since
rare - but yes real
and all because
this one

still rings true

.



 it was early spring 1985
unusually warm, but still that familiar
chill in the air

in a whisper of wishful thinking

 my younger brother and i bought two kites 

and on a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon

 we trekked down to the Thames River near Woodstock Ontario

to fly them

David always had a way with these things 

as his kite went up effortlessly and in minutes

  he laid back on the grass 

lit up a smoke and watched it sail

beautifully over the river

  i struggled with mine for at least an hour  

 it crashed several times in a plowed, muddy field
this is such fucking bullshit - literally
tired, sweating - ok fresh manure
all over my new running shoes
hello ? frikkin pissed

the line is tangled - yet again

 when i finally did manage to get it up

 (no pun intended)... it wasn’t positioned right

  it was over the field, not the river

 i continued to struggle with it 

until i eventually lost my patience 

and tied the damned thing to a bush

 not caring - if it crashed again

 

  

frustrated and defeated, i went for a walk 
along the rivers edge

when i turned to look 
a couple of minutes later 

i was shocked to see that my kite was gliding beautifully

over the river


 .



the path of least resistance
was never an option growing up
like it's just a bad idea - "the easy way never works"

as kids we're told that everything 'good' in life
is something that we must struggle, fight for
die for

learning otherwise as i age
better late than never


.



there is this thing that happens
peeking in when we're secretly expecting it
that timely sign - signal

that familiar voice ... "good night baby-girl"
later, that haunting glance from someone on the street, earlier that day
that old song in a vintage diner on queen east
stepping in to get out of the cold wet wind
dream catching our curious cradle
while we cry to sleep

being carried to safety in a new orbit
with Daddy again

the trippy trigger happy holiday holocaust 
that changes everything

question is - do I pay attention - listen
or ignore it?

.


it's that moment when we pass into our midnight slumber

those few seconds when we tumble into terror
trembling and yet flickering

seeing something - not seen before
a vision - awakening briefly - wow
relishing it's return 

our first real dream of the night
(back and into a second and third - bittersweet sequels)
is usually the most endearing
in that it exposes our 
telling truth

an affirmation arrival - approval upheaval
captivating - cautious - curious

pointing us in a new direction
in absence of the tragedies and injustices of this world

the dark headlines instilling fear
in a healing tear

in reverence
of a fond remembrance

of all that worked right 
his soft voice caressing you
telling you that it's going

to be ok

when all the constellations are aligned
that music composition where the production and performance

the timing - nailing it
almost effortlessly

dog is in - kids are in bed
free to wonder - imagine

Dad is gone

looking out in awe, years later
at the twisted triangulation, and yet
being at peace with

listening to





t h e   p e r f e c t   s t o r m
 

expose yourself to your deepest fear
after that, fear has no power and it's freedom shrinks
vanishing

Jim Morrison

divide and conquer

you be the moon i'll be the earth
and when we burst
start over o darling

begin again


my cubicle is my sanctuary - ok
i have my plant - and - my Homer Simpson bobbly
tis my time - to begin again 

so what - are you looking at

? 

have you ever had the feeling - that you're being watched

you're not alone

we are all being watched

on any given day - at any given moment

specifically

from the time you arrive at work

until the time you leave
even at home, where you think you're safe
nope - they got you nailed down 

every move, everything you say

everything you do

carefully scrutinized

d i v i d e   a n d   c o n q u e r

 

i've been watching you creep
around my wandering feet
trying for years to flee

.


i am driven to this tropical tarantula turd

 in that this cyclical style of seduction

(in the workplace in particular)

is still popular - yes, in an 'old-school' frame of mind

it's far worse in middle school - private post secondary

it's all around us - from the top of the food chain
spiraling downwards - wiping out those on the bottom

oh, and because I've experienced it first-hand

saying that micromanagement

is evil is an understatement

we accomplish way more
when we are given the freedom to produce
on our own terms - inspired by our own means
some people don't get that
still

.

in the first 20 years of my time in the work-force

i got lucky - a media arts teacher

working for various colleges

left to do 'my thing'

doing it well 

teaching kids how to record good music
in a multi-million dollar studio?  i'll take that 
ok $40/hr to guide curious
young people

but alas
all good things - come to an end

it was relatively stress-free

and i adored it - just because of that

a natural extension of the creative process

in a world that still allowed that

the freedom to do good work
and loving it at the same time

.

when teaching dried up, i was forced to take a job

at a private career college as an 'education counselor' - a total farce

i lived in India in late 2008
and came back to this 
the antithesis
of humility

run by those 

who were short-sighted

expected to produce results

registrations

middle eastern owners/management
surveillance - cameras everywhere
watching everything
listening to every
word

twice the hours - half the pay 
brutal

counseling was just a front (a lie)

it was really a 'sales' job
a friendly white face
Canadian

reassuring mixed races in Mississauga Ontario
that it is all going 
to be ok

if they sign up for a garbage collection education
in healthcare or business (at our reputable PCC)
beezwaxx bottom feed free-frall in a
fermenting farcical
frostee freeze

i hated it

ah late - again

?
 

punching the clock - literally
exposed (openly) when i missed
a few minutes 
or if my sales quota
was short that month

all up on the board
and spread around for all the other office dogs to see
like that scene in Glengarry Glen Ross 

you know the one
first prize is a Cadillac Eldrorado
second prize?  a set of steak knives

"put that coffee DOWN - coffee - is for closers"

.


for the first time in my life

i got to feel what it was like

to be in an oppressive work environment

where everything i did

was carefully monitored
i learned a lot

lost 10 years of my life in 4 years 
unbelievable stress

monthly targets that had to be met - or else

regardless of the circumstances

brutal - yes, almost 4 years of it

from late 2008 - 2012

office politics abundant

my skin thickened 

relearning my ABC's

they played us against each other
sick

micromanaged

by a spiritually underprivileged Jordanian woman

who has no life

watching - listening
manipulation rules

yep, she's born Muslim - one foot in
and one foot out - now in
a new world

confused?  da
hello

secretly fornicating with the (very married) College Director
also Muslim - yep it's all just a tad
daddy-doo taboo
ok, she has no idea
what the word 'fornicating' even means
and it doesn't matter 

broken english
i restructured the language on their website early on
because i was the only one on staff
who could - evil lurking
their Canadian

little puppy doggy
the only one who could speak our language
properly - an asset - yes
bonus boner

all the while thinking - this is almost incestuous
and has to be frowned upon
in the Muslim world

that's just it - right on the line

ok, creepy crazy - over the top - insanity
office gossip - gross thoughts
ok she (cringing)

wanting to be - a goddess - loved by Daddy
not even close

disgusting

(ok, let's just say
that she looked nothing like this) 

no plain - NOT attractive - overweight - but
the quintessential "wannabee" nonetheless
desperately wanting to be - a superstar
(like on TV and in the movies)
sexy - "desirable"

taking out all her internal frustrations
on everyone else around her

nothing against Muslims
actually finding the culture (ok sorry) religion alluring (ok, amusing)
simply observing that hypocrisy is universal
irreverent - in focus - fashion framed
all forgettable


.

ok, repression is all she knows - tragic

her idea of success is all about the posturing -  pushing all the right buttons
pulling the necessary strings - whatever it takes - to shine in the light

 coming from a broken childhood (obviously)

Daddy issues (guessing) - and a new agenda 
anal retention - only because that
is not on his menu 

even tho she really
wants that kind
of penetration

yanked into a cold coffee office oriface

reminded, over and over

and over again

.


you be the moon i'll be the earth
and when we burst
start over o darling

begin again

you see - this is
my chance to start over
to make it right - once and for all

"and you have no idea
what i'm capable of"


.


ok, let's go through this - again

"you will be rewarded for work well done

and punished if not.  so, so - so
what is it, that you don't understand here?"

really?  that's what you're telling me
(no seriously - really?)

returning to my cubicle comfort
shell shocked

.


later figuring it out
that's what she was told - over and over
growing up - makes total sense now
OMG - this is a snow-job

i'm a fish out of water
a simple white boy in a sea of new brown friends
all of us trying desperately to fit in
and none of us having any idea

what we're doing here

fake laughter fills the Christmas (ah ok, Canadian holiday) office party
management's 'show' of good faith 
in the spirit of the season yawn
food is good - crappy company

looking over my shoulder at any given time
falafel sandwich in one hand - warm coke in the other
deviant deception rampant - reckless restraint
spilling tahini sauce on the soiled carpet
and my pants - fuck it - this sucks

in a rut


i didn't pay any attention to it at the time

an insipid game that these people need to play out

to satisfy something inherently wrong

in her (their) world - a default mechanism

designed to prop up her deflated ego

designed to penetrate the human spirit

designed to hurt more than help

destroy more than develop

all unfolding, just the way
it should be

.

ok confessing, all of my words here - needed

this is a purge - and it feels good to get it out
flashes in a bad dream - years ago

why i stayed (that job) so long is still a mystery to me

the word 'purgatory' comes to mind

being called into an office oriface?
always bad news

then there came the quarterlies
and that cherished one on one
with the Director

yep - same guy she's fucking
in secret, in private - the wife in absentia
an expensive experiment 

in emotional retardation
he's using her and she's
using me 

like the snake that eats it's tail
like the Canadian women who join ISIS
sacrificing "for the cause" - twisted sisters 
in a north american (new world) free-fall

i'm in a dry spell
numbers low
thus


"oh yeah?  well maybe - you don't deserve better"

lessons on branding, battle strategies - sitting in weekly meetings

coherent - comatose - wondering how this could actually be - relevant

expected to conform/perform - expected to produce numbers

results - or else

.

what i have learned - later in life

is that tapping/trapping the human spirit - for monetary gain - comes with a price

pointless

.


late-breaking newsflash

you can't force results

it doesn't work that way

astounding to me that humanity still hangs 

onto a need to prevail at the expense of others

it's this thing we do
to get what we want 

.


you be the moon i'll be the earth
and when we burst
start over o darling

begin again

 

victims of the lie
on the baked and brittle borderlands
battle lines are drawn - no quarter

anything goes - and you too my friend

are up for grabs - unless you learn

how to play the game - properly

right - ok

i'm still learning

all this new terminal terminology

termination - a new set of rules

designed to convert
careful contingencies
learning - ah right

collateral damage 
it's necessary

all inclusive becoming suddenly non-inclusive

in a new world where - you snooze you lose

terminology torture

alpha delta one - launching co-ordinates confirmed

drone launch is a go

drop is authorized

dropping asset - asset launched - 3 minutes
to target

i need a smoke

 like i said - i've been lucky

many aren't 

happy ending here

millions still living in their cubicles

still taking the torture

everywhere

we are taking it all in

in a way that we've become accustomed to

we continue to be punished

only because we allow it

welcome it

d i v i d e   a n d   c o n q u e r

in my new job here

i'm given the freedom to produce

in a forum of participation that's absent of repression

i get so much more done - i'm 5 times more productive

lucky again i guess

the freedom to find my own rhythm
pacing myself accordingly
on my terms - fruitful

what goes around comes around

no longer willing to take in the ongoing harassment

deciding that enough is enough

ok, i can actually make a serious difference here

inspiration wins over imprisonment
feel free to read - between the lines 


watch and listen
begin again


for jade





(play this clip, scroll up and - begin again - sometimes music nails it)