phoria

one step ahead 
just breathe

until then, I'm a refugee 
and I need to run

dateline:  July 20, 2016
.


 

p h o r i a



 

  

 I think they call it "Collateral Damage"
Special Forces loves making big messes
but don't like cleaning them up
learned this 7 years ago (when I was 2)
when they showed up in our village, Mosul
in north-west Iraq - before we had to move here
to Syria 

Out of the frying pan, and into the fire

First time they came in
spewing their special everywhere
George W called it "Operation Enduring Freedom"
I call it operation clusterfuk, right
I mean, whose freedom?

certainly not mine 

My feet hurt and I'm really 
hungry - so

fuck off 

Parents?  what parents?
Crisis?  what crisis? 

 OK

You send your groomed boys over here
sporting their latest iPhones and Tresemme' hair gel
showing off his girlfriend "Britney" in a shot of her
wearing a skimpy bikini, by the pool - back home
to the jealous rookie, sitting beside him - "fak, hot dude"
smiles all around - good for ratings
right - whatever

munching on a cold dog from camp
before they land in Damascus
heading north - to us 

"You're ok Spencer", pat on the back
"and ya, that haircut?  intense" - inhaling the mystery meat
mustard drip on our full metal jacket floor
"relax dude"

heart rate acceleration and a few fries
short of a happy meal here - thump 

"Boeing V-22's always shake when they're landing
bolts fall out - collateral damage (LOL)
been here, done this"

"gimme a high 5"

looking out at sand and dust
temporary structures 


"you rule dude"
 

That's me, in the striped shirt
just wanting to touch his massive gun
10 minutes before they blew the gas station up
ya, the one where we were living
because Abdul (owner) was on the list
of those questionable, ah
not questionable
any more

So yeah - Abdul is dead, more bugs - more flys on red flesh
hot sun - time to move on

Back at the ranch ...

Nothin' like a little 'male bonding' before 
shooting up everything, everywhere
fuckin' some serious shit - up

On a mission of "mercy" ... flying high in formation
here to throw rocks at the hornets nest (yet again) and yes
we get caught; families killed 

or displaced and where do we go?
Your first tour of duty guy
 
hey Spence - you ok?

oK, we'll find home somewhere
 
In a wooden box or hanging on in a crowded boat

with no life jackets, food/supplies, no toilets

messing ourselves because we really gotta go

 hoping to make it to some island that's supposed to be out there

it's a dream I keep having
thirsty, water - anything for just a sip

Some rich billionaire - so they say, whatever

 options and opportunities are sworn to secrecy

because if they find out, we may be followed
and shut down permanently

.


In the outskirts of Deir ez-Zur
280 miles north-east of Damascus
a 9 year old boy lays peacefully in a muddy ditch
wondering what to do

Red explosions in a black nightsky
I'd like to take them out
all of them

shoot back, imagining
ammo 
 

Iman was separated from his family after a drone strike
3 days ago - and hasn't eaten anything since 
the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant
moved into the area about a month ago
where people now scurry-scared of what's coming

Gathering rations - praying for
a future

Iman, has no idea who they really are
only that they want something that he doesn't have
His mother cries out because the family is minus one
moving on without him - he is/was her baby boy
perilously uncertain of what tomorrow will look like

 Whether they will still be alive - reminiscing ...
that clay walled room, in the back of a rural gas station
the place they called home for 4 days, blown up
burned and turned to rubble/ash

just a week earlier

Word is, they were headed north - for Hamrat
where the U.N. has set up a temporary shelter patch
food, drinking water ... rest

Only he has no idea - how to get there

Word is, there's life after death

It's a rumour that's been spreading around
and that it's all about faith - in God/Allah
Delivered and recycled in prayer before bed
songs sung in the twilight in Mommy's arms
in a world turned dark, 24/7

Monsters - everywhere
east west north south - sores on my mouth
It's dark and I'm scared - so is she

Haunting echos of sub-sonic rumblings in the distance
My stomach crumbling for lack of sustinence
reminding me of what used to be here

Sweet rice in reach
 and yet another storm on the horizon
running for cover

red rain is falling


and yet there is a soothing quiet in the madness
forced to leave this place, then the one after
and after because the pounding is relentless
into another shelter

Getting lucky in Deir ez-Zur
because Daddy knew Abdul
and he had a storage room out back
where we could stay for a few days
Me and my four sisters, Mom and Dad
2 mattresses and some blankets
an out-house and well out back 
sweet rice with raisins
and a bug infested dog
named Amira (princess)

 Maybe a week, hoping - maybe
time to think

I thought the Americans were coming to help
but it's not helping - we're stranded here
Daddy told me that it was the Americans
who created the IS, and that they
are just as evil

Something about oil/money, power and control
Personally I think it's more about ego
Entitlement, boredom and neglect
I mean this part of the world
is a toilet

Americans just love fucking everybody's shit up

So ya, I believe Daddy - only because
when the monsters come, they come 
driving American Humvees
tanks and guns and
they are fighting
each other
now

Tyranny arrived here about a year ago
and they were all sporting hardware
designed and made in the USA
stolen by those who were 
born here

and who the Americans are fighting now 
I'm not sure which is worse 
the Americans, or 
the monsters

People who look like me but are nothing like me
I'm confused - someone
explain this to me

They say there's a new consciousness in this world
I would like to test that theory - right now 





p h o r i a


 

crush in bodies of mine
all that searching all that pride 
now by calling force you out into the night

getting no fire going this time

  
hop scotch in barbed wire

I'd like to remember something good
like to go somewhere even better
I just need a sign, a signal

direction

I don't know what to believe in anymore
I don't know who to believe in anymore
If there is a God - I don't know
if he is real


Daddy, clarify
over & out 

It's just one unique perspective
in a world that would appear to be detached
from what really matters


No please, take your time, no rush God no
just relax - we'll meet
again

Until then, I'm a refugee 
and I need to run

one step ahead 
just breathe

 

.

freedancing

flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground
and miss
Douglas Adams

f r e e  d a n c i n g

far away journey foreign land,

chasing shadows in the rain

searching for the sunrise

It's what music sounded like 30 years ago.

Searching was my second album on A&M/Universal Music, recorded and released in 1985.   I was thrilled when I got the call from Michael Godin - VP A&R there at the time with the news that there was a green light on it, after my first (self-titled) release which did little in terms of radio so it really didn't make it to retail.  There was a renewed faith, belief/optimism that permeated my existence that year.  This meant $30K for the record and another $30K for a video - YES!  $60,000 was a lot of money in 1985.

Back then, labels knew that a commitment to an artist was essential because the average (successful) recording act didn't break even for 2-3 albums and maybe 1 in 10 signed acts made it to that place so,  here we go.    I had written most of the songs for it and they were most excited about my song "Little Boys" that ended up being the so-called 'single' and we put most of the money into the studio album and video for that song.   The video for 'Little Boys' is posted on my web-site (bottom of the music page).

I liked Free Dancing more (for a single), yes VERY different - but it was Michael's and the record company's call.   Little Boys received extensive air-play on MUCHMUSIC (nationally), and CFNY radio (now '102 the Edge') in Toronto, but Searching itself sold small numbers.  I had what they call an "All-In" production deal with A&M,  so it meant I was responsible for the production/planning and delivery of the album by a certain date - which I did.  I also got to spend some of the budget on gear so I could assemble it at home first, saving money AND having a studio to work in - in the future (without a label).

Even though Searching was the most expensive album I've made, tragically it's my least favourite.  What I've learned is that you can't make good art on a specific time-line/deadline.   Every creation needs proper time to breathe and grow organically.  This was a problem for me and being signed to a record company -  scheduled releases and a pipeline that isn't conducive to creativity.  There are several tracks on this album that just didn't get finished properly - needing the full term to incubate and only having a few months to plan, produce and realize in it's totality.

For instance, this version of Free Dancing has a guitar and vocal overdubs that didn't exist on the original version - and is actually done now.  Pulling tracks up later at home and adding/editing more.  I'm still proud of it though - came together nicely.  It just needed more time to simmer properly.  Pulling Free Dancing back up and do a new clip/video (30 years later) is a real treat.

pretender

keep you in the dark you know
they all pretend

where you see a broken child/boy ... man
i see a broken system

 perhaps a tad more delicate 
than what they would have us believe

p r e t e n d e r
 

i am continually astounded

by what's going on state-side
and if i should take the risk to use kid web-jargon here - ah


WTF


as america continues it's relentless pounding
the body-count steadily rising - resting at the ranch

in a total state of denial - there is a whisper of hope

in rock and roll

I was always attracted to music

because it offered a place to express something

a secret world, that couldn't be touched

reckoned with - fucked with

a chance to be larger than life

some get it - some will never
I mean ok ... who
ARE YOU?

viewer discretion is advised
this gets dark - sorry, gotta go here

welcome to the american psyche

and so, who are you?
wandering aimlessly out of line - lost like this?
just who the fuck - do you think you are anyway?

when i look into this face, i hear these words ...



ok, I'm just a scared kid

some gender displacement going on here
school is shit - life is shit - everybody lies all the time
teachers, parents - all the kids around me ...
even government - it's all rather depressing
ok, i'm constipated, need to take
 
a good dump - purge 
oh wait - you don't want to hear this

i'm like, not good with girls, or boys for that matter
actually?  I'm scared of everyone
ok, only I'm totally out of the loop - nobody likes me

i have a Facebook page but i have no real friends

Dad shamed me constantly growing up, and then 
called me a freak and then laughed - drunk
smacked me around some - and then

he gave me a gun on my 18th birthday

noble gesture - gee thanks Dad!

ah, what did you think was going to happen?
idiot

a haunting homophobia mixed with shame/guilt

and a need to take it to the next level
lost - alone - hungry - angry, ok ...

fucked over

hey - yer different
thinkin' ... i should fuck you over


same old story


disenfranchised youth - alienated - absent
i mean, have you ever noticed
that most of the mass murders in america
are white kids with the guns?

(just give that one a minute)



the term 'duty calls'
is that ringing any bells right now

?

and the 'race' card?  na, just a little too convenient
i think kids lashing out like this
has little to do with that
fundamentally

it's like Dad punching Mom in the face
just because she's there and
because she looks a little
different today

a little mascara, eyeliner - lipstick
thinking he might like that 'extra effort'
in this morning's presentation
slut
 
preparing breakfast for us - ruined 
happens all the time, get over it
wrong place, wrong time
dude

his Dad was a racist so yes, I guess he inherited it ok, if this kid is a "racist" for real?
it's only because that's what his country/father and his peers gave him
the hand of cards he was dealt
a whole lot of fear and anger
outcast - desperate

let's leave the word incest
out of the equation
shall we - yep

the mature masculine
is in short supply

and kids need outlets, because Playstation,
the Walking Dead and their iPhones
sometimes doesn't cut it 
more distractions
all we need


so ya - where's Mom?  where's Dad?

kids absorb everything
the undercurrents of dissension in descension
at school, at work - at play
at home, at the mall
in the park

watching, waiting


carrying out our self-fulfilling prophecy
fighting the elements because
that's part of the plan
right?

divide and conquer 
what he wants

 

welcome to umurica 


home of the free - land of the brave
hypocrisy screaming streaming in HD

whatever


i played guitar to myself mostly
shutting it all out

living in a place
where most are oblivious - of their oblivion
medicated - insulated - emasculated 
personified purified - yes
because it's all covered up
on TV and the internet
in a convenient refill
down the street


clean and neat

in any number of chill cells ergonomically elevated

 creature comfort, quietly compliant
we are here to listen and not learn - da
only there are like, these glitches
hidden messages in the
frikkin' porn - dude

no - seriously!
soo fucked up dude

WTF - OMG

so ok - like i told you


and so the story gets harder and harder to read
make it stop - make it go away - make me sleep
it's right about here, that most change the channel
but not you  - addicted?  na - ok ...

no you really need to get to the bottom of this
once and for all

and so - you keep reading
looking for a clue in the rubble

i mean, ok ... it's easy once you get used to it
parents hate each other - always gone
torn to shreds because this country
is so damaged

ah, not sure where I belong sir
erection formation

 

it's that haunted look in their eyes

when they finally realize they are fucked

 and are defeated - dementia destination

and that the only remaining option

is to be flushed down that dirty toilet

that mom never cleans anyway

it's remembering better times
as a kid - when everything worked better
and where happiness lived 

p r e t e n d e r

in a country where fundamentally

few care about anything but themselves

everyone playing along - like it's all ok

if you just shut the fuck up and

pretend it's just another

show on TV

where everyone looks stupid

because the millions who watch this shit - day after day
are themselves, a few fries short 
of a happy meal

 

our prodigal son is watching cable TV again
skipping school and Mom is in the kitchen
smoking cigarettes and drinking beer 

Donald Trump is running for president again? - yay!

now for once ... maybe, just maybe this one time

there will be some jaundiced justice jonesing
because I haven't had a decent orgasm
in days

maybe for once - someone will step up

to take care of business, clean up this mess
wiping all this horseshit away - those who look and think different - be gone

maybe Dad was right in saying numbly

at the kitchen table over supper

that america is doomed

that it's all about staking a claim

becoming larger than life - taking a stand against tyranny

starting right here at home - report card time
what's this F in arithmetic?
get to your room - now!

I'll be in later 

I actually started enjoying the spankings
not sure why  
 

ah da - whatever - i have a gun now

and that's all I need

endless refills from Walmart

and all in a new plan - that I can control

not THEM

i'm the voice inside your head
you refuse to hear
i'm the face that you have to face
mirrored in your stare
i'm what's left, I'm what's right
i'm the enemy
i'm the hand that will take you down
bring you to your knees

i'm finished making sense
done pleading ignorance
that whole defense
  

ya so, I'm ready to take action

ready to take a stand

ready to die

for what i believe in too

no softening this blow





p r e t e n d e r





only this is MINE
not yours

fuck this shit
let's just DO this

my name is Dylann Storm Roof 
and i can't keep pretending 

living your lie

and I'm ready to die 
for what I believe in!

because that is what I was designed for
to fight for what's RIGHT

ya - so there's a storm on the horizon
and it's got my name written
all over it 

all part of the plan?  yep - MY plan



what if I say i'm not like the others
what if I say i'm not just another one
of your plays

never surrender 


so let's not disguise this

this has little to do with race
my beef isn't with colored folk
this is really about you and me - right here
right now






p r e t e n d e r






where you see a broken child/boy ... man
i see a broken system

keep you in the dark you know, we all
pretend