pretender

keep you in the dark you know
they all pretend

where you see a broken child/boy ... man
i see a broken system

 perhaps a tad more delicate 
than what they would have us believe

p r e t e n d e r
 

i am continually astounded

by what's going on state-side
and if i should take the risk to use kid web-jargon here - ah


WTF


as america continues it's relentless pounding
the body-count steadily rising - resting at the ranch

in a total state of denial - there is a whisper of hope

in rock and roll

I was always attracted to music

because it offered a place to express something

a secret world, that couldn't be touched

reckoned with - fucked with

a chance to be larger than life

some get it - some will never
I mean ok ... who
ARE YOU?

viewer discretion is advised
this gets dark - sorry, gotta go here

welcome to the american psyche

and so, who are you?
wandering aimlessly out of line - lost like this?
just who the fuck - do you think you are anyway?

when i look into this face, i hear these words ...



ok, I'm just a scared kid

some gender displacement going on here
school is shit - life is shit - everybody lies all the time
teachers, parents - all the kids around me ...
even government - it's all rather depressing
ok, i'm constipated, need to take
 
a good dump - purge 
oh wait - you don't want to hear this

i'm like, not good with girls, or boys for that matter
actually?  I'm scared of everyone
ok, only I'm totally out of the loop - nobody likes me

i have a Facebook page but i have no real friends

Dad shamed me constantly growing up, and then 
called me a freak and then laughed - drunk
smacked me around some - and then

he gave me a gun on my 18th birthday

noble gesture - gee thanks Dad!

ah, what did you think was going to happen?
idiot

a haunting homophobia mixed with shame/guilt

and a need to take it to the next level
lost - alone - hungry - angry, ok ...

fucked over

hey - yer different
thinkin' ... i should fuck you over


same old story


disenfranchised youth - alienated - absent
i mean, have you ever noticed
that most of the mass murders in america
are white kids with the guns?

(just give that one a minute)



the term 'duty calls'
is that ringing any bells right now

?

and the 'race' card?  na, just a little too convenient
i think kids lashing out like this
has little to do with that
fundamentally

it's like Dad punching Mom in the face
just because she's there and
because she looks a little
different today

a little mascara, eyeliner - lipstick
thinking he might like that 'extra effort'
in this morning's presentation
slut
 
preparing breakfast for us - ruined 
happens all the time, get over it
wrong place, wrong time
dude

his Dad was a racist so yes, I guess he inherited it ok, if this kid is a "racist" for real?
it's only because that's what his country/father and his peers gave him
the hand of cards he was dealt
a whole lot of fear and anger
outcast - desperate

let's leave the word incest
out of the equation
shall we - yep

the mature masculine
is in short supply

and kids need outlets, because Playstation,
the Walking Dead and their iPhones
sometimes doesn't cut it 
more distractions
all we need


so ya - where's Mom?  where's Dad?

kids absorb everything
the undercurrents of dissension in descension
at school, at work - at play
at home, at the mall
in the park

watching, waiting


carrying out our self-fulfilling prophecy
fighting the elements because
that's part of the plan
right?

divide and conquer 
what he wants

 

welcome to umurica 


home of the free - land of the brave
hypocrisy screaming streaming in HD

whatever


i played guitar to myself mostly
shutting it all out

living in a place
where most are oblivious - of their oblivion
medicated - insulated - emasculated 
personified purified - yes
because it's all covered up
on TV and the internet
in a convenient refill
down the street


clean and neat

in any number of chill cells ergonomically elevated

 creature comfort, quietly compliant
we are here to listen and not learn - da
only there are like, these glitches
hidden messages in the
frikkin' porn - dude

no - seriously!
soo fucked up dude

WTF - OMG

so ok - like i told you


and so the story gets harder and harder to read
make it stop - make it go away - make me sleep
it's right about here, that most change the channel
but not you  - addicted?  na - ok ...

no you really need to get to the bottom of this
once and for all

and so - you keep reading
looking for a clue in the rubble

i mean, ok ... it's easy once you get used to it
parents hate each other - always gone
torn to shreds because this country
is so damaged

ah, not sure where I belong sir
erection formation

 

it's that haunted look in their eyes

when they finally realize they are fucked

 and are defeated - dementia destination

and that the only remaining option

is to be flushed down that dirty toilet

that mom never cleans anyway

it's remembering better times
as a kid - when everything worked better
and where happiness lived 

p r e t e n d e r

in a country where fundamentally

few care about anything but themselves

everyone playing along - like it's all ok

if you just shut the fuck up and

pretend it's just another

show on TV

where everyone looks stupid

because the millions who watch this shit - day after day
are themselves, a few fries short 
of a happy meal

 

our prodigal son is watching cable TV again
skipping school and Mom is in the kitchen
smoking cigarettes and drinking beer 

Donald Trump is running for president again? - yay!

now for once ... maybe, just maybe this one time

there will be some jaundiced justice jonesing
because I haven't had a decent orgasm
in days

maybe for once - someone will step up

to take care of business, clean up this mess
wiping all this horseshit away - those who look and think different - be gone

maybe Dad was right in saying numbly

at the kitchen table over supper

that america is doomed

that it's all about staking a claim

becoming larger than life - taking a stand against tyranny

starting right here at home - report card time
what's this F in arithmetic?
get to your room - now!

I'll be in later 

I actually started enjoying the spankings
not sure why  
 

ah da - whatever - i have a gun now

and that's all I need

endless refills from Walmart

and all in a new plan - that I can control

not THEM

i'm the voice inside your head
you refuse to hear
i'm the face that you have to face
mirrored in your stare
i'm what's left, I'm what's right
i'm the enemy
i'm the hand that will take you down
bring you to your knees

i'm finished making sense
done pleading ignorance
that whole defense
  

ya so, I'm ready to take action

ready to take a stand

ready to die

for what i believe in too

no softening this blow





p r e t e n d e r





only this is MINE
not yours

fuck this shit
let's just DO this

my name is Dylann Storm Roof 
and i can't keep pretending 

living your lie

and I'm ready to die 
for what I believe in!

because that is what I was designed for
to fight for what's RIGHT

ya - so there's a storm on the horizon
and it's got my name written
all over it 

all part of the plan?  yep - MY plan



what if I say i'm not like the others
what if I say i'm not just another one
of your plays

never surrender 


so let's not disguise this

this has little to do with race
my beef isn't with colored folk
this is really about you and me - right here
right now






p r e t e n d e r






where you see a broken child/boy ... man
i see a broken system

keep you in the dark you know, we all
pretend

 

gethsemane

i will permit no man
to narrow and degrade
my soul by making me hate him



g e t h s e m a n e

 
ok, it's biblical
addressing our lowest
common denominators
bi-polarized

it's where Jesus went to die
spiritually before physically
(yeah, kind of important)

so sad

we are challenged every day

the elements can be so cruel and yet

humankind continually transcends that which hurts us

i'm not a religious person 
but Jesus, God -  whatever
i'm a subscriber

despite being
sensationalized and desensitized
hypnotized - purified - sterilized
reaction versus pro-action

i am astounded

at how resilient we are

 and i am in a place in my life at the moment

where optimism circumvents chaos
in a newborn alignment ascending


after the final no, there comes a yes
and it's on that yes, that the future world depends

Wallace Stevens

 


but there's no one left at home
and i believe i'm going to rain


looking back on the home movies
that Dad took of us in better times
when nothing mattered but us
in love with life - lunging forward
captured on celluloid - on 8mm film
(now on VHS tape - not yet digitized)
on a used camera he bought for 30 bucks
in 1965 - just for fun, working for a few months
that summer, before it broke down
where fixing it would cost more
than what it was worth

back when fun - was still an option 
ok, sometimes i took pictures
of them too

silent, all rather choppy, disjointed and yet
relevant

absent of sound and music

.


we are afraid and so we should be
in a world that hangs onto damage in a determined dementia
we rise/evolve/resolve - here today, gone tomorrow
appreciating my British heritage
now in Canada

 

kids with guns in america
beating and shooting each other
still in high rotation - in a relentless revolver rampage
playing russian roulette
with guns that can be purchased
at a corner store

despite all that

i'm beginning to admire human nature
in a way i couldn't up till now
more recently in observation
the progress is real

we humans are essentially benevolent creatures
who love more than hate
history continually shows us
that there's hope

in the ruins
we always rise up

homophobia transcended into a new beginning
in recent events where those who hang on to the past

are left behind
where the storm finally takes it's toll
ending life, prematurely

survivors of the holocaust
gather in remembrance
in appreciation

renewal/hope
moral courage, compassion/empathy
in a whole new forum of exchange
political agendas becoming remarkable resources

despite what we read, hear, feel
adjusting to modern times
where corrections are being made
out of necessity

all fueled by the will of the masses
abolishing fossil fuels/carbon emissions
embracing renewable energy

so yes, good news
the world is changing exponentially
thank god

so many good things going on

 
we're so sorry, uncle albert
but if anything should happen
we'll be sure to give a ring
 

focusing on what works
over that which doesn't
on what's real vs.
what isn't real
  
we're FINALLY getting what needs to be done
more emphasis on ecological and environmental sustainability

dancing in the debate
in what's doable

climate change being addressed in new forums
that challenge the status quo
the biggy in Paris in December 2015 coming 

and so the monsoon keeps coming - year after year
bringing life and death with it
and yet embracing it nonetheless 
because we need the rain
either way

through the floods and the drought
feast and famine, profit and poverty
a time to remember

 

g e t h s e m a n e



this memoir is for my grandmother, and
for our precious children/grandchildren
our future generations

we live in a beautiful world
because we remember
what works

so there you go, good news 
for a change
 

i miss you 


hands across the water
heads across the sky




dedicated to Mona Batho