flashcard

  when the flood comes
you have no home - you have no walls

F L A S H  C A R D

yep - she gave birth to me
changed my many thousands of dirty diapers

she fed, bathed me - nurtured me

she showed me things

love and survival 

techniques

giving her a grand-daughter
who she got to know briefly - the resemblance
is uncanny - stunning - running

panting - letting go eventually - and so
i swim to safety - still swimming
(preferably cold water - a lake or quarry)

this burden - weighing me down
catching my breath - not

stranded starfish have no place to hide

still waiting for the swollen easter tide

 

and so in the gradual fermenting of my formula 
in the tick tock thickening of my arteries, my shortness of breath
in my weakening knees and feet - hanging
winding the clock tight in suspension
until she stops


in the thunder crash
you're a thousand minds, within a flash

in the remembrance of all 

my careless conquests
the quickening

i remember her

having passed

ten years

ago 

lung cancer

her consistent tenderness
later in life succumbing - surrender

watching her relinquish her rhapsody

with the men in her life - one train wreck

after another - she had me - her little boy

her son, to ease the chronic pain

and suffering - albeit

briefly

it's like nothing matters anymore
and yet yes - it does
i can still move
forward without
her

waiting for my own cancer
to arrive

ah the good times
perpetuating circumstances
despite the odds


there's no point in direction
we cannot even choose
a side

and so we discover, all too late
that most medicinal miracle cures
are just a hoax, just a scam 
BIG PHARMA calling them "placebo" - ah ok
where the mind "thinks", it's being taken care of by fake medicines that cost a lot
some work, most don't

returning to

something more - meaningful
more spiritual

back to a time when there was hope

in a whirving whirlwind where nothing is certain

in a world where nothing makes sense except for us

the two of us rotating in redundancy
the moon orbiting the earth
orbiting the sun

yes, your train-wreck relationships with men

over and over and over again

still finding me
your reason

to live

first in your womb, in your sole creation

in your inability to connect and yet

in your ability to conceive

regardless 

 and so what goes around, comes around

they call it "covert incest" in psychiatric circles

finding home in the familiar

in our children

what gives

bad things happen 
where's the good advice
it's all empty promises with no substance anymore
now that she's gone

  our so-called 'authorities' (doctors, lawyers, priests, politicians) 
have no idea what any of this means 
and fundamentally

don't care 

it's all about control
the caustic creative contagion contingency
the one they don't tell us about

what you don't know
won't hurt you

hospitalized 
and hemorrhaging 

alone again
 

ok, it's not sexual
but it is dysfunctional
proprietary 

universal

it's in all the tragedies and injustices

surrounding us on any given day

there's always her familiar

touch me again
i miss you

 deliriously defaulting

into a safety net that envelops us
in self entrapment

yes - a reason to live
inside this thing outside of me

returning the sustenance
in an ever diminishing dementia
lost voices echoing down
a long cold corridor 
well lit (funded) and yet

shimmering in short supply

 

 it's not what i wanted

this dependency

i don't want to feel dependent on anyone

and yet when you are sinking into the abyss

there's that certain sense of comfort

that comes from knowing

that someone is there

with you

i'm not a religious person

but i believe in god

i believe in her

only because she's the only reason

i wish to remain

here

coming home just feels good
no expectations and yet - yes here we go

it's clean, pure - no judgements

only real love

a love that can only come 

from a child

f l a s h  c a r d




 don't be afraid to cry of what you see

the actors gone
 

there's only you and me

and so where does this leave us
in a thousand years

i'd like to think that someone, somewhere
will remember us




dedicated to pansy edith batho
pat miller - april 16, 1932 - july 29, 2004

 

remembering rose

"life is one big bowl of cherries

you just gotta know which ones to pick"

i remember her saying that

i'm alive, i think - i remember tings

i remember her - a distant memory

my name is Henry

i'm really old now - tied and tethered

no not rememberin much anymo - but

r e m e m b e r i n g   r o s e

i was born in Baton Rouge, Louisiana in November 1925 

a drifter like everyone else was back den

bein black folk was bein bad news
we watches de white man and we keeps watchin
 de white man till we finds out which way 
de white man's gwine to vote 
an' when we finds out which way 
de white man's gwine to vote 
den we votes 'xactly de other way

only wees not allowed to vote

i growed up in a family of 9 chillins

ma and pa - they be field workers on a plantation
 just north of the city wheres I livin

rosie was 14 when i met her at a dance

de friday night congregation at the church 

where many showed up in disrepair

i was 17 and fell in love immediate

cause that's what young folk do at that age

fall in love and well - have more chillins

rosey was a shimmer of light in my dark hallway
my lil minnie mouse is what i called her
so happy to be alive - tears of joy
she cried a lot - like a lil girl
all the time

human beins can be awful cruel to one another

that's just the way it is with some people

they get down on a thing when they don't know

anythin bout it

i was full throttle, foot on the gas, didn't know what to do

at least i had an idea - had my arms and legs

my sinful soul and my empty stomach

a piece of paper, pen and something to say
later on a smith corona typewriter

most importantly

i had rosalie - my tadpole in the river 
my reason to live

de great depression came early on
my brothers and me gatherin coal that fallen
off the trains so we could keep warm in winter
even tho it was never that cold
grits and beans for supper every night 
dad stealing the canned beans
from a delivery truck
run amuck

we got married in the church a few years later

i was grateful to god that it happened

but i was still lost

often sitting in the moonlight - drinkin moonshine
alone down on the dock - gettin plastered agin

cause it was cheap and it got de job done

we had a bunch of little-uns




r e m e m b e r i n g    r o s e

 

livin in a shack on the bayou south of the city

for the longest time, i wondered why 

the stars and shadows wuddn't

givin me anythin to go on

cravin the hair of the dog early on - just like papa done

booze and well - a departure from deliverance

i fell off de back of a tractor when i was 22

and broke my neck, got up and worked agin
a week later, cause we needed the money
yeh drunk - as always

then came the plague - small pox in '49

i was in bed for 3 months

wakin up in places hot and cold

from de fires of fermentia

to the ice of de arctic

sweatin' the storm

i felt so lonesome i most wished i was dead

de stars was shinin, the leaves rustlin in de woods 
on the edge of life and death

ever so mournful;  one time, i heard an owl

way off who-whooing about somebody already gone

and a dog howlin bout somebody dyin
nearby - his master leaving us

i recoverin after 2 of our chillins passin

ben at 7 and allie at 3 both in a month

it was a bad time - time passin
havin them visions and shit

we'd be catchin catfish and talkin - rosie and me

we swammed in de river naked and fell asleep arm in arm

like nothin' ever happened to us at all that night or de next

sometime you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes
you gwine to get sick but every time 
you's gwine to git well agin

i swear to god it be de music that kept me alive
the memories of them dances on friday nights
just outside the church in back
the moonshine moonin and de spirits croonin

rosie got the cancer early on
it was a tragic tumble that terrified me
holdin my breath and stayin solid

such a good woman 
she'd be passin in '82
havin found herself in the 60's an all
havin found her 
reason to live 

hell, even takin wid dat musician in '69
the guitar player in that blues band down at the club

lasted a few days and then she be comin home
i let it go

 
i'm thinkin notin'
i'm thinkin' there's notin' left
i'm thinkin there's no reason left to live
and then comes sometin' special
music

cab calloway - befriends me still

they got these tings now
iPods, and de ninernet an shit
nursin homes - i sit here and i sit here
they feed me grub i can't taste
and i go back to basics




r e m e m b e r i n g    r o s e


 

kids are gone all growed up and far away now
i'm wonderin if dey be doin ok
i wonder if i'll ever see em
agin

jesus - do they even know i'm still breathin 
still believin in sometin dey be doin

this world is still spinnin an i'm still in it
don't let them tell you
otherwise

don't let em get ya'll down
don't let em defeat you
fuck up yer shit

my name is Henry and i still see you
my little minnie mouse - rosalie
dancin' in dat lil dress, wantin to mess 
wid you somtin
silly

american selfie

sweet dreams are made of these

this is just going to take a minute

you're intense and need a stabilizer  

a tranquilizer, a maximizer

just a little bump

to keep you

on toppa

tings 



a m e r i c a n   s e l f i e



that friendly - feminine voice - the voice of comfort 

relax - ok just shut
the f*ck up and listen

ok, your finances are low

and your blood pressure is high

we can fix all that

whispering - shhhh

 ok, we've developed this little cocktail

just for you and you're just right for the trial run

good news - i've just talked to my manager 
congratulations!  you're IN

yes - you qualify!

just be patient - ok not just yet

if you believe in the prescription transcription

it's new, improved and approved

you're doing just fine

relax

oh right, your insurance may not cover this

do you have a back-up plan 
a contingency - i mean

credit card perhaps


who am i to disagree

there you go - are we feeling better yet
oh more - you want more - no
that's not how this works

who do i work for ?
not important

i get angry sometimes
assholes - all of them

no worries - i got it all in check

it's all about the reassurance
i've been recruited
by the best

trust me, it's all i ask

it's all going to be

ok

rage/rape management comes with membership
and i'm an employee - yep big perks
ok like, you - can be just like
ME


travel the world - and the seven seas


we've got this all under control
OMG like - i got this phone 
and can take pictures
of myself in like - high def
and post them on-line
with my friends

i can even have "friends"
that i don't even really have
how frikkin cool
is that


?

everybody's looking for something


so ok, enough about you - let's talk about
ME

i gotta story to tell and gosh darnit
i'm gonna get this out there

the american dream can be real
you just have to believe
this is a slam-dunk
scenerio


some of them want to use you


just follow along and remain calm
it's all i ask

your paralysis progress report will be available
on-line in just a few short weeks
- at www.youareofficiallyfucked.com - 
oh and your membership comes with 24/7 tech support

just sign in with your username
credit card number 
and password

we got you covered - you're beautiful
you're going to be
ok



a m e r i c a n   s e l f i e
  


until then

just relax, strapped in
put on your high fidelity ear-buds
and drift into your familiar slumber
oh you like the "Beebs"
get the f*ck out

!

yes, you too can be a "belieber"
hey kids - just plug and play

medication is not that bad really
once you get used to it


some of them want to be 
used by you


it's like taking that little trip back home
and into that comfort carnival
that you've become 
accustomed to
only better

because we have this way
of making the pain go away
while you still maintain 
your 3 squares a day

hey mom - STOP EATING!

oh right, did i mention - there's a disclaimer
nothing important really
it's just this contract you need to sign
ok, right - right here 
on the dotted line

this is something you're deciding to do yes
it's not something that we can ultimately
be responsible for


i'm gonna use you
abuse you


 no worries - all ok, just relax - just surrender to the process
you're worth it - remember that we're looking out for you
we're on top of things

no worries

 


a m e r i c a n   s e l f i e




sweet dreams
are made of these

you're not alone - no, not just yet - but hey
there's a movie coming out soon - top shelf
and you my friend 

are in it