Saturday, 25 September 2021

SENIOR MOMENT - turning 65, a short synopsis



birthdays

I am 65 - officially a senior

slower, wiser - more forgetful

(ok I'm crispy creamed)


it was always a flash in my mind  

what will it be like?  how will I look?  

thinking of my parents and my grandparents right now 

as I approach them physically and cognitively


at 9 thinking fuck

I hope I never become that!

 


welcome to the moment






 


Ker-thunk


I’ve realized some things as of late, that I couldn’t really see clearly over the course of my life growing up, becoming a ‘mature’ adult; often struggling to grasp basics like managing relationships/family, juggling career & finances (so busy all the time) … the goal of stability and recognition.   Blind as a bat.


What I never saw until now was the loneliness they endured day after day.  On islands - isolated and impaired but still very aware.  I was struggling too and she understood that.  A primal maternal instinct in disarray.  My needs more important than hers.  I miss granny.


Most seniors experience a very real neglect from those younger; left alone for longer & longer periods of time with no contact.  Quiet reflection lasting weeks, months … sometimes years (for many) with perhaps a fleeting hello/check in.  A tough spot.  Expressing loneliness often creates a reaction and a further distancing.  I mean, who wants to be around someone who is needy right?   So keeping quiet and taking what you can get becomes a new norm.   I count my blessings every day.  I got lucky (convincing tone).


That said, both of my grandmothers, in their late 70’s were actually quite humble; understanding that their children were busy living their lives and didn’t want to be bothered.  It’s an endearing quality that I fully appreciate, especially now.  That said ... do you have to be so far away?









Reverence vs. Relevance


As a kid, I remember watching my parents interacting w/theirs with some confusion.  It was like a ‘duty’ thing for them, that they really wish they didn’t have to do.  Often impatient, getting short with them for the smallest of reasons, wanting to get away from them as soon as humanly possible.  Retaining some sense of relevance becoming more and more challenging.  We kids were occasionally shuffled off to the grandparents so Mom & Dad could get a break from us.  All in all, aging parents had their benefits.  


Both of my parents sometimes received money when times were tough, from their mothers who were always there for them but all too infrequently in return.  Of course always a ‘loan’ and of course never paid back.  It was just a given.  Grandfathers were always out of the picture … a recurring theme throughout my life (absent father syndrome). 

 


Pit Stop


In the one year I went to Woodstock Collegiate Institute (1973 - Grade 12 - at 16), I ate my lunch at Grandma Batho's on Edward Street, about 1 km north from the high school where she lived alone in a musty mid-sized 2 story, 3 bedroom Victorian on a quiet, turn of the century street.  It was the highlight of her day, preparing a hot lunch for me Monday to Friday that school year that she gladly paid for, living on her modest nest egg (savings) and a next to nothing government pension.  


Big old trees, crickets in the twilight.  I always slept like a baby there when I was younger and we lived there for a short time as a kid.  Fresh air, quiet ... night sounds.  Old wind up clocks with florescent arms ticking slightly out of sync.  Mom & Dad sleeping in the next room, Granny down the hall.


My arrival signalled a return to family ... like she had in the past - gone, now back.


The look on her face sitting at the kitchen table staring out a window when I walked in the door was priceless.  That smell.  Pork chops & Libby's deep browned beans w/boiled potatoes - my fave.









She was deaf mute and we talked a crude sign language on our hands and she was always so happy to see me.  Very simple, caring woman.  Granny always knew the second I walked in that front door at 12:12 pm because she was waiting for it, almost counting down the seconds.  I thought nothing of it.  It was a convenient mid-day respite w/lunch for me.  A stop-over.  


I just took it for granted, preoccupied w/life as an insecure 16 year old who liked music; quietly dreaming of what it would be like to make a living doing that.  For her, my daily 10 minutes sitting at the table having lunch with her was everything.  Relaxing in the living room listening to the radio before returning.  Mike Oldfield, Tubular Bells on whilst listening to her washing the dishes.  I hated high school.


She rarely ate herself, just watched me eat. 


I often wonder what it must have been like that late June, after finishing my exams and not coming for lunch anymore.  That last day of school, I waved goodbye to her and I walked home to have supper w/Mom, younger brother and self absorbed step-dad just like I did every other school night.  


I can’t imagine what it was like for her, knowing I wouldn’t be coming back - ever.  

I didn't even give it a second thought.








mona batho w/laddie - summer 1947




Forlorn


She must have been incredibly sad about that.  I went on to college in London then moved to Toronto.  I saw her maybe 3 or 4 more times (Christmas) after that final lunch there in June 1974 before she died in 1978 when I was after-show partying in Sault Ste. Marie performing in a band that winter.  


I often think about what grandma batho went through.  Especially now ... 

because I'm going through the very same thing she did.


I miss her - miss them.  Recurring dreams.

Just here to document them.



volume up, 720p


.



.







edward street
from the album night parachuting


see the ONE LIFE album/page here >>>
http://www.jimlamarche.ca/onelife/

see the new TWO LIVES album/page here >>>
see the new THREE LIVES album/page here >>>


read more of Jim's blog posts here 

.

project credits/contributors/links listed below
listen to the youtube album ONE LIFE  >>>  HERE
(play all)


special thanks to GRADO LABS in Brooklyn NY
for understanding how headphones
should be made











.


.

Friday, 17 September 2021

FORCE



mistakes are the portals of discovery

james joyce

 

F O R C E
volume up, 720p











it's just that we don't trust anyone anymore
so why not trust a lunatic?



optimized for night vision



a jim lamarche remix

from the album ONE LIFE
assembled in logic audio and final cut

featuring the roland system 8


source music w/james tumilty leadbitter
















see the ONE LIFE album/page here >>>
http://www.jimlamarche.ca/onelife/

see the new TWO LIVES album/page here >>>
see the new THREE LIVES album/page here >>>


read more of Jim's blog posts here 

.

project credits/contributors/links listed below
listen to the youtube album ONE LIFE  >>>  HERE
(play all)


special thanks to GRADO LABS in Brooklyn NY
for understanding how headphones
should be made





.


Sunday, 5 September 2021

manhattan transfer



I'm the daughter of refugees 

the immigrant mentality is to work hard 
be brave, and never give up
in your pursuit of achieving 

the American dream

reshma saujani


all is well at ground zero

 

A N H A T T A N  T R A N S F E R
volume up, 720p











optimized for night vision



a jim lamarche remix

from the album ONE LIFE
assembled in logic audio and final cut

featuring the roland system 8


source music w/tassilo ippenberger, thomas benedix & stephan bodzin














see the ONE LIFE album/page here >>>
http://www.jimlamarche.ca/onelife/

see the new TWO LIVES album/page here >>>
see the new THREE LIVES album/page here >>>


read more of Jim's blog posts here 

.

project credits/contributors/links listed below
listen to the youtube album ONE LIFE  >>>  HERE
(play all)


special thanks to GRADO LABS in Brooklyn NY
for understanding how headphones
should be made





.


Wednesday, 1 September 2021

NATIVE TONGUE



it's in my - chiado
charles alexander eastman (Ohiyesa)





N A T I V E  T O N G U E
volume up, 720p











optimized for night vision



a jim lamarche remix

from the album ONE LIFE
assembled in logic audio and final cut

featuring the roland system 8


source music w/ben woods, aljosha konstanty & vincent camacho












june 14, 2021

I've been disconnected from my lifeline

a turbulent purge after 4.5 months in lockdown purgatory, toronto
having had little inspiration to do anything but fish for bits
I had all the pieces of this puzzle roughly in order
before plunging into cold water and returning
to this new place most recently
after no swims for months 

today a frigid 60 lengths at Alex Duff pool
guessing 16C - freezing - amazing!
an effortless assembly unfolding 
in my little studio here in north high park
like dominos falling
finishing & mounting is my
favourite thing to do

fresh
welcome back





see the ONE LIFE album/page here >>>
http://www.jimlamarche.ca/onelife/

see the new TWO LIVES album/page here >>>
see the new THREE LIVES album/page here >>>


read more of Jim's blog posts here 

.

project credits/contributors/links listed below
listen to the youtube album ONE LIFE  >>>  HERE
(play all)


special thanks to GRADO LABS in Brooklyn NY
for understanding how headphones
should be made





.


Tuesday, 31 August 2021

GARAM MASALA


it's almost hypnotic
a playful innocence if you will

India is magic, dangerous
innocent yes, and yet - naughty
like kids sneaking out of bed
after dark, and playing



A A M   M A A A


a Diwali 21 teaser
3 part series
coming November 03

volume up, 720p











a jim lamarche remix


assembled in logic audio and final cut
voices by alla kadysh

featuring the Roland System 8

source music w/Luke Chable & Philipp Krokidis













"Chammak Challo Ra.One" 
with ShahRukh Khan and Kareena Kapoor



TWO LIVES/21


PLAY THE WHOLE ALBUM in youtube
  >>>  HERE (PLAY ALL)

or in the blog compilation/experiment (in progress)
https://jimlamarche.blogspot.com/2019/04/two-lives19.html













FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
the story behind garam masala


I lived and worked in North India/Punjab in late 2008
it was a whole new world - like on another planet
I was a fish out of water but loving this

a  2 day recovery from jet-lag in my hotel room, slowly waking
to this smell, no fragrance of a cumin and curry blend  
these sounds outside even the birds sounded different - surreal
getting up, looking out my window - clear blue sky
need coffee - squinting, sun is still tilted like it is in Toronto
 yet it's summer here - wow, a lot of street people, ok
and holy shit ... DOGS everywhere
and frikkin' dirty

diwali is tonight
I'm invited to a ritzy wedding reception in Sector 10 in Chandigarh 
a better caste shall we say, a sizable staff, band/dj
  
and massive fireworks








ornate room

warm/cool shower
because hot is intermittent

having shampooed/conditioned my hair 
turning on the large flatscreen in my hotel room
channels upon channels of this dancing and singing crap
annoying the first day or two, all there was
then I just started watching it, mostly because
that's all there was, it seemed
provocative, hypnotic even

allowing myself to be pulled
into a gentle transition, but once IN?
no words









I was offered a job with all the perks in Mohali
invited to come and live there full-time

my own apartment, driver, cook 
and a decent compensation package
easy/simple and I turned it down 
now wondering why did I do that?

maybe it was because I wouldn't be able
to see my little girl grow up






.





see the ONE LIFE album/page here >>>
http://www.jimlamarche.ca/onelife/

see the new TWO LIVES album/page here >>>
see the new THREE LIVES album/page here >>>


read more of Jim's blog posts here 

.

project credits/contributors/links listed below
listen to the youtube album ONE LIFE  >>>  HERE
(play all)


special thanks to GRADO LABS in Brooklyn NY
for understanding how headphones
should be made


.








.