Friday 13 February 2015

divide and conquer



you be the moon i'll be the earth
and when we burst
start over o darling


begin again



my cubicle is my sanctuary - ok
i have my plant - and - my Homer Simpson bobbly
tis my time - to begin again 

so what - are you looking at

? 


have you ever had the feeling - that you're being watched


you're not alone
we are all being watched
on any given day - at any given moment
specifically

from the time you arrive at work
until the time you leave
even at home, where you think you're safe
nope - they got you nailed down 
every move, everything you say
everything you do

carefully scrutinized



d i v i d e   a n d   c o n q u e r






 



i've been watching you creep
around my wandering feet
trying for years to flee


.


i am driven to this tropical tarantula turd
 in that this cyclical style of seduction
(in the workplace in particular)
is still popular - yes, in an 'old-school' frame of mind

it's far worse in middle school - private post secondary

it's all around us - from the top of the food chain
spiraling downwards - wiping out those on the bottom
oh, and because I've experienced it first-hand

saying that micromanagement
is evil is an understatement

we accomplish way more
when we are given the freedom to produce
on our own terms - inspired by our own means
some people don't get that
still

.


in the first 20 years of my time in the work-force
i got lucky - a media arts teacher
working for various colleges
left to do 'my thing'
doing it well 

teaching kids how to record good music
in a multi-million dollar studio?  i'll take that 
ok $40/hr to guide curious
young people

but alas
all good things - come to an end












it was relatively stress-free
and i adored it - just because of that
a natural extension of the creative process
in a world that still allowed that

the freedom to do good work
and loving it at the same time

.

when teaching dried up, i was forced to take a job
at a private career college as an 'education counselor' - a total farce

i lived in India in late 2008
and came back to this 
the antithesis
of humility

run by those 
who were short-sighted
expected to produce results
registrations

middle eastern owners/management
surveillance - cameras everywhere
watching everything
listening to every
word

twice the hours - half the pay 
brutal

counseling was just a front (a lie)
it was really a 'sales' job
a friendly white face
Canadian

reassuring mixed races in Mississauga Ontario
that it is all going 
to be ok

if they sign up for a garbage collection education
in healthcare or business (at our reputable PCC)
beezwaxx bottom feed free-frall in a
fermenting farcical
frostee freeze

i hated it










ah late - again

?
 

punching the clock - literally
exposed (openly) when i missed
a few minutes 
or if my sales quota
was short that month

all up on the board
and spread around for all the other office dogs to see
like that scene in Glengarry Glen Ross 

you know the one
first prize is a Cadillac Eldrorado
second prize?  a set of steak knives

"put that coffee DOWN - coffee - is for closers"

.


for the first time in my life
i got to feel what it was like
to be in an oppressive work environment
where everything i did
was carefully monitored
i learned a lot

lost 10 years of my life in 4 years 
unbelievable stress

monthly targets that had to be met - or else
regardless of the circumstances
brutal - yes, almost 4 years of it
from late 2008 - 2012
office politics abundant
my skin thickened 

relearning my ABC's











they played us against each other
sick

micromanaged
by a spiritually underprivileged Jordanian woman
who has no life

watching - listening
manipulation rules

yep, she's born Muslim - one foot in
and one foot out - now in
a new world

confused?  da
hello

secretly fornicating with the (very married) College Director
also Muslim - yep it's all just a tad
daddy-doo taboo
ok, she has no idea
what the word 'fornicating' even means
and it doesn't matter 

broken english
i restructured the language on their website early on
because i was the only one on staff
who could - evil lurking
their Canadian

little puppy doggy
the only one who could speak our language
properly - an asset - yes
bonus boner

all the while thinking - this is almost incestuous
and has to be frowned upon
in the Muslim world

that's just it - right on the line

ok, creepy crazy - over the top - insanity
office gossip - gross thoughts
ok she (cringing)

wanting to be - a goddess - loved by Daddy
not even close

disgusting

(ok, let's just say
that she looked nothing like this) 











no plain - NOT attractive - overweight - but
the quintessential "wannabee" nonetheless
desperately wanting to be - a superstar
(like on TV and in the movies)
sexy - "desirable"

taking out all her internal frustrations
on everyone else around her

nothing against Muslims
actually finding the culture (ok sorry) religion alluring (ok, amusing)
simply observing that hypocrisy is universal
irreverent - in focus - fashion framed
all forgettable


.



ok, repression is all she knows - tragic
her idea of success is all about the posturing -  pushing all the right buttons
pulling the necessary strings - whatever it takes - to shine in the light
 coming from a broken childhood (obviously)
Daddy issues (guessing) - and a new agenda 
anal retention - only because that
is not on his menu 

even tho she really
wants that kind
of penetration

yanked into a cold coffee office oriface
reminded, over and over

and over again

.


you be the moon i'll be the earth
and when we burst
start over o darling


begin again












you see - this is
my chance to start over
to make it right - once and for all

"and you have no idea
what i'm capable of"


.


ok, let's go through this - again

"you will be rewarded for work well done
and punished if not.  so, so - so
what is it, that you don't understand here?"

really?  that's what you're telling me
(no seriously - really?)

returning to my cubicle comfort
shell shocked

.


later figuring it out
that's what she was told - over and over
growing up - makes total sense now
OMG - this is a snow-job

i'm a fish out of water
a simple white boy in a sea of new brown friends
all of us trying desperately to fit in
and none of us having any idea

what we're doing here











fake laughter fills the Christmas (ah ok, Canadian holiday) office party
management's 'show' of good faith 
in the spirit of the season yawn
food is good - crappy company

looking over my shoulder at any given time
falafel sandwich in one hand - warm coke in the other
deviant deception rampant - reckless restraint
spilling tahini sauce on the soiled carpet
and my pants - fuck it - this sucks

in a rut


i didn't pay any attention to it at the time
an insipid game that these people need to play out
to satisfy something inherently wrong
in her (their) world - a default mechanism
designed to prop up her deflated ego
designed to penetrate the human spirit
designed to hurt more than help

destroy more than develop

all unfolding, just the way
it should be

.


ok confessing, all of my words here - needed
this is a purge - and it feels good to get it out
flashes in a bad dream - years ago

why i stayed (that job) so long is still a mystery to me
the word 'purgatory' comes to mind

being called into an office oriface?
always bad news

then there came the quarterlies
and that cherished one on one
with the Director

yep - same guy she's fucking
in secret, in private - the wife in absentia
an expensive experiment 

in emotional retardation
he's using her and she's
using me 

like the snake that eats it's tail
like the Canadian women who join ISIS
sacrificing "for the cause" - twisted sisters 
in a north american (new world) free-fall

i'm in a dry spell
numbers low
thus


"oh yeah?  well maybe - you don't deserve better"











lessons on branding, battle strategies - sitting in weekly meetings
coherent - comatose - wondering how this could actually be - relevant
expected to conform/perform - expected to produce numbers
results - or else

.

what i have learned - later in life
is that tapping/trapping the human spirit - for monetary gain - comes with a price

pointless

.


late-breaking newsflash
you can't force results
it doesn't work that way
astounding to me that humanity still hangs 
onto a need to prevail at the expense of others

it's this thing we do
to get what we want 

.


you be the moon i'll be the earth
and when we burst
start over o darling


begin again







 




victims of the lie
on the baked and brittle borderlands
battle lines are drawn - no quarter
anything goes - and you too my friend
are up for grabs - unless you learn
how to play the game - properly
right - ok

i'm still learning

all this new terminal terminology
termination - a new set of rules
designed to convert
careful contingencies
learning - ah right

collateral damage 
it's necessary

all inclusive becoming suddenly non-inclusive
in a new world where - you snooze you lose
terminology torture
alpha delta one - launching co-ordinates confirmed
drone launch is a go
drop is authorized

dropping asset - asset launched - 3 minutes
to target

i need a smoke








 like i said - i've been lucky
many aren't 

happy ending here

millions still living in their cubicles
still taking the torture
everywhere

we are taking it all in
in a way that we've become accustomed to
we continue to be punished
only because we allow it
welcome it




d i v i d e   a n d   c o n q u e r





in my new job here
i'm given the freedom to produce
in a forum of participation that's absent of repression
i get so much more done - i'm 5 times more productive
lucky again i guess

the freedom to find my own rhythm
pacing myself accordingly
on my terms - fruitful
what goes around comes around
no longer willing to take in the ongoing harassment
deciding that enough is enough

ok, i can actually make a serious difference here


inspiration wins over imprisonment
feel free to read - between the lines 


watch and listen
begin again


for jade





(play this clip, scroll up and - begin again - sometimes music nails it)





Friday 23 January 2015

burn the house down

let's take the boat out
wait until darkness comes

.

i often think 
about what my last day on earth will be like

we recoil into relapse
when life doesn't go our way
and we do things that we regret 
later on - what was said
done in reaction
shortening
our lives

lost - gone








it's not that we don't know what to do
it's more like we ignore all the signs and signals
that could lead us back to safety
(ok, a guy thang, mostly) 

tripping in our tragic trajectory

finding our healing process
(what separates the boys from 'real' men)
is all about honing our hearing, listening skills
paying attention to our close surroundings
god no - not that

nope, actually, wanting to turn the heat up
burn in the wreckage
go deaf/blind - wanting to die
like our parents did
emotionally

prematurely

i mean - ok
i really loved her - and she fucked me over
leaving me - and i hate her for it

that's why i need to



burn the house down
 







 
nope - this isn't about what's right or wrong
it's more about that rush in retribution
not knowing why
just lashing
out

because it feels good
marred marriages in trickster therapy, corrupt countries
 counting countless casualties

it's all about watching the house burn down
empty gas can in hand - our fire festering - in sheer wonder
sweating, shivering and smelling bad - having pissed our pants
and yet, feeling fun - in the gory glory - in the destruction
feeling good about it regardless

in the moment 

.


we are conditioned to believe certain things
Mom and Dad, family - all that bullshit
coming back to haunt us
krazy karma

rejection registration on that level has relentless ramifications
restoring prickly retaliations

like purple pins on a flimsy fading paper wall map
hanging by a thread in cushioned cork

all the places where and when life was sweet then went sour
looking back, wondering

why and how








 later in life - looking through the rear view
just before the crash

on a liquid lunch lakeside look-out
lamenting, bottle in a brown bag
what's done is done


.
  

nowhere in these cold corridors of pale green and grey
nowhere in the suburbs
in the cold light of day


.
 

eventually realizing that our losses fundamentally come down
to the mistakes we made - the regrets
lingering in our lofty latitude
languishing in our lazy longitude

146 channels of shit
on this cable TV 
IKEA chair

going CRAZY




pulling out the papers from the drawers that slide smooth
tugging at the darkness, word upon word

confessing all the secret things in the warm velvet box
to the priest - he's the doctor


he can handle the shocks












halloween - used to be fun
until it got really scary 

"Mommy - what's WRONG?"

why are you lying on the kitchen floor crying?
i'm scared too

shaking - shivering 
I'm scared shitless - quiet - dark shadows - rain-soaked
she's saying something - whispering


let's take the boat out
wait until darkness comes


.



Mom took my little brother and me to church
Woodstock Ontario - spring 1966 - just a few times
without Dad (who would never go) - seeking spiritual guidance
in the only place she knew - surreal

lost and alone

dressing us up in our little suits, hair combed
with vaseline - because that's what Dad used - same hair-cut
Mom in a proper dress and hat, heels (of course)
hurting her feet but they looked good
and it's what everyone wants to see
at church - no less - learning - ok
making an impression

what's 'appropriate'
shuchhhch up

ok, just don't ask so many
questions 

remembering to buy a quart of milk on the way home
which cost a quarter then.  hot-dogs were 5 cents
at the new Springbank Plaza - Dominion store
all the trimmings in place

dinner is served
mustard spill on my dress pants
walking home

ah Woodstock in 1966 - nothing compares

before cell phones/ATMs/credit cards - before video-tape
before drive-thru, before Star Wars

ok we had cars, TV and radio - yes telephones too

you need to see a doctor - right

.


looking down on empty streets, all she can see
are the dreams all made solid


are the dreams made real

 











persistently pressing all the right buttons
getting nowhere - because even the church
was essentially out of the loop
pretending they were the answer
pretending they 'cared'

genuinely 'concerned'
give me a break

"believe in God and everything will fall into place"
what a crock pot - filled with famine forgotten

small Ontario town 1966 - women just don't leave their husbands - not an option

and if they DO> there's something wrong with them
- end of story - 

emotional abuse - what's that? 

the church (fundamentally) doesn't care
nor did any of the male lawyers, all of whom had Mom figured out - yeah - right

the church?  ok ...
what faith I had - disappeared that year

consoling words that concealed the corruption
in a system abundant in rhetoric
and empty of empathy

floundering in a sworn script
from a hidden hole that no-one
can see into - unless you look
and most don't want to
why?  I'm still
asking

that simple (burning) question










going back and replaying my crusty cassettes
over and over again - the soft, sticky sermons
the cold organic music - the predictable offering plate
passed around with an obligation more than a blessing

the white collared man peering out
from his elastic elevation - watching us
wondering what his weekly winnings
will awaken

earning his living - by taking advantage
of others misgivings - perplexed and yet

dreaming of something bigger myself
 just a kid - listening
looking up

billions of stars in the night-sky
big black holes - new universes
warp speed

there's depth ... dimension 
imagination

none of that matters now 
 because


mom hurts

.


no pain - no gain right?

at least that was what
Dad always said

.


it was like - Daddy always had the right answer
neatly tucked in his back pocket, revolver ready - just in case
strictly confidential - caressing cremation

regrets ? - fuck that

ok, i have none 
because she deserved my rage wrath
my unwillingness to comply

to her bitch-ass agenda
faaaaaaaak









like ok, us - hanging with her friends
is like, more important than me
hanging out with mine


??
 

getting lit and venting
with my bros

our Thursday night meetings
(Monday Tuesday Wednesday Saturday)
are ok - NOT negotiable

essential - elemental

my time is important to ME
and sometimes - you can't
be there

ya ya - it's about you being there for me when I need you
but I don't need to be there when you need me
comprehende?


I mean - like OK, wake the fuck up

yep, you deserve this, because
my agenda means
something too

fading fragrances - distant echos 
just words

drifting in the calm
(harassed and hammered again)

looking up and out - at the approaching storm
bring it - on










another saucy slip sip
defaulting to deformity
another shitty hand of cards
the insipid instagram burning up
 upon re-entry

invading my sacred space
with your needy shit
always needing to talk
about what?

i mean - WTF

ok, i wasn't there
when you "needed" me ? FML
i mean what - are we babies here
isn't there a time when
we grow up?

bong-reach - there we go - much better now
ok, i'll huffin' puff and
blow your house 
down 

yeah - slam the cupboard door 
yeah - I know this isn't good for the kids

face it - you were out of line
and i caught you 

disappearing at Dan and Mary's party
for 30 minutes
looking for
 you








you are pathetic
you mean nothing
to me

pressing your wretched whore mouth on him 
like a sticky tramp stamp on a manilla envelope
what?  because he gave you something i couldn't?

such horseshit

sending him into his blissful bereavement
trashing you like i've done over and over
only i'm not there on the receiving end
and he is - asshole


no no i'm not pissed
because i'm in control of myself
and i can do whatever i want because
i am in charge of my destiny
and should anyone
challenge that

?


well, let's just say that they can 
take their business elsewhere

we had our moment









 ok, we were a 'couple' once
granted - blinded by what I thought she wanted
in love for a short mongrel memento - ok years
moving in together - wanting family
planning our lives together

(ok, her plans more than mine)

little did we know that it was only temporary
testing the limits of this new discovery
in a demented dementia


.


and so, my Mom quietly left my Dad on halloween night
October 31, 1966
when he was
at work

"honey come here - sit (my sugar rush - bad batman fading fast)
Mommy is moving out for awhile and you're coming with me"

shivering, shaking - shocked - "what?"


"it's going to be ok - no Daddy doesn't know"









i was 10 - a tsunami in my dry little boyhood batcave - sound asleep
"what do you mean - we're moving out - leaving Dad?  why?"

get dressed


more lies - no, Mom was moving out permanently
why do grown-ups lie all the time? 

ok, turns out
she had 'needs' that weren't being met
(whatever that's supposed to mean)

slut

different men later on 
creepy crap


.



she packed our bags after he begged her not to leave
and yet defaulting to all his demons again
his skeletons in the closet
over and over again
he begged her
in tears

not to go 
no

i'm so so sorry









"Ok, I'm on my hands and knees - begging you here
don't leave me"

sobbing like a little boy - charred/burned

why do Moms and Dads fight? 


granted
she had no choice after a time/while
taking us and half the furniture
moving out gone 

forever

that shit wreaks havoc on a man
only because it makes him weak
the loss of power and control
and that relentless return

.


the desire to burn
baby burn










 i have no regrets
no no no - because she deserved it
the pain and suffering 
that can only come
from being

wrong

ok, (quietly confessing) - it's really about that
right and wrong - i was right
and she was way wrong

and so i took the appropriate action
the corrections, adjustments
that needed to happen

no hurt here - no pain - no remorse
it was something that needed
to be done

not sorry - ok secretly
i'm ashamed 

i had no idea what
i was doing










 lines on my face now
where she kissed me back in the day
my skin still soft and supple
laying beside her
feeling her
beside
me

inside of her - my pretty piece of ass
ok, pretending to be something i'm not 
and she pretending something she's not

what-ever


blind ambition and lacking in insight
thinking that it's all ok
when it isn't 

wanting all along - to just




burn the house down

 

in 1986 there was this song
capsule capture
nailed it

all gone, all over
history now

.


let's take the boat out
wait until darkness comes




for pansy




play the clip (below)
scroll up and read again

(turn up the sound)